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Saturday, August 7, 2010

If I could wish on a star...

I see things like this a lot. If you could have anything, do anything, wish for anything...My wish used to be unlimited money, so I could rescue all the cute little animals that needed love, so I could donate unlimited amounts of money to any charity that happened to knock on my door...or my heart. Unlimited money so I could pay for everything Dayne wished for, anything Steve wished for, anything anyone I cared about wished for.
What a stupid wish.
When I hear these conversations now, I avoid them. I dodge the question, change the subject, leave the area, pretend I didn't hear. Dayne's wish was the greatest wish. How a 4 year old can voice the most thoughtful and heart felt wish ever is beyond me. His wish is to have super powers, so he can fly up to Heaven and visit with his sister.
My wish is close...but I'm more selfish than Dayne. It's why I avoid the topic. Why should I bring anyone else down with my wish? I remember when I was pregnant with Alexandra, I started a conversation on a parenting site. It was about what everyone's biggest concern was with their pregnancy. There was a few sad answers, for a successful pregnancy after a loss, for a husband to not be away in Iraq when the baby was born, to carry this baby to term. My intention was for a lighthearted conversation and it didn't really work that way. I felt, how could I be so flippant about this kind of thing? Ugh, I felt like such a jerk.
I also felt like, maybe some people wanted me to feel like a jerk...for being so self centered. It's a risk I don't want to take, having people think I am a downer, or I am trying to ruin their fun, or make them feel like they are so below me that they would think of such selfish things.
Everyone everywhere aside, I would wish for my daughter to be here with me. I would wish that not only was my daughter here with me, but that she was born living, and would die of old age, long after I am gone. I would wish for her life, not because I'm more aware than everyone else, just because I miss her and I want her here with me, I want to watch her grow up and I want to argue with her about her boyfriend when she's a teenager. I want my daughter back.
That's my wish...for Alexandra.


  1. Oh Melissa, this brought tears to my eyes. I have the same wish for Valentina. I think we all do.

  2. I wish the same everyday...I want Kennedy here with me. I want her to grow it's supposed to be. This is the wrong way...your baby going before you. It doesn't make sense at all. I'm sure the majority of us all want the same thing...thank you for sharing this post.

  3. It's not a stupid wish... Not at all...

    Thank you for your beautiful thank you note. I will treasure those seeds and plant them in Sophie's garden (what I call the garden I plant for our babies) and remember Alexandra whenever I see them.