Blogger Templates

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Mind VS Heart - The Battle

I feel like my mind and my heart are in a death battle. My mind sees so many ways to help people. My mind tells me to "get up!" and "Do something!" My mind wanders and seeks answers. My mind tells me to let go of the negativity, to not hold onto the bitterness, to become more aware of the world around me. My mind works FOR me. It is more clear now than I think it has ever been.
My heart has been defeated by my life. My heart is tired and doesn't want to fight. My heart isn't ready to let go of the sadness. My heart wants to be wrapped up and left alone. My heart doesn't want to help anyone just yet. My heart isn't ready.
My mind tells my heart to let go of the sadness. To wrap up Alexandra's memory in love and to share it with the world in every way it can possibly imagine. My heart rejects the idea and tells my mind that it's too tired and too hurt. It's too defeated to do the work.
My mind and my heart battle. I have days on top of days where my mind is winning. My mind is clear, my thoughts are of the good things that Alexandra can do, the gift that she is, even when she's not in my arms. And then, out of nowhere, my heart takes over. It's subtle. The clarity slowly becomes foggy, the calm in my heart and in my mind slowly turns to depression. It's at that time that the battle is really going. My mind pokes at me "Why are you feeling like this?" "What is wrong with you?" "I thought we were doing better?" "Don't you realize that there are things that have to get done?" "Don't you see that dwelling here, in the sadness, does not help Alexandra's memory?"
And at those moments, my heart chimes in "I'm too tired" "It's too hard" "I'm not ready" "I just can't"
And the battle continues.
I feel as though *I* am not a part of this battle. I am an innocent bystander. A victim of things out of my hands. "No, I can't go out today, the battle within me is raging on and my heart is winning at the moment. It says I'm not ready and should sit at home and cry instead. Thank you so much for the offer though."
I can only imagine that one day, either my heart or my head will win and something will drastically change. Though, I hope they come to some sort of agreement and allow me to have both functioning properly at some point.


  1. Wow, you describe the battle so well. I feel the same way....

  2. Yep. I made myself get up and do yard work today. Haven't done any all summer and my tiny backyard really needed it. I pushed myself, and although I'm glad it's done...I really would have rather stayed on the couch. I'm calling this phase of grief "inertia". I might 'want' to do something, but I just can't seem to get going.

  3. alexandra's memory, wrapped in love, is already being shared with the world through your blog and helping all of us blogging together through our own journeys. thinking of you and alexandra...

  4. I wrote a very similar post a few days after you. The battle is so hard and can't be explained to anyone that hasn't been through it. I think it will get easier though and I'm learning that sometimes it is okay to let the heart win. And like Julie said, Alexandra's memory is being shared with the world through this blog.