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Friday, July 16, 2010

In Heaven...

There are some things that I refuse to accept, and some things that I refuse to say. There are also some things that I DO say and directly following the statement, I feel like....I shouldn't have said that.
One of the things I refuse to accept is the idea that anything I do (or don't do) is going to keep my daughter here. I was recently talking to a friend about this, and how some cultures believe that holding onto the belongings of someone that has passed away will keep them tied to earth. You are supposed to spread their things around, donate them, give them to friends, strangers, people in need. This way, you are sharing your loved one with others. This is truly a wonderful theory, really it is. However, I don't want to give my daughter's things away, I want to hold on to what I have, and I refuse to accept that my wanting to hold onto whatever I can will keep her here.
I also refuse to accept that my grief will hold her here. It's another belief, that if you cry too much, or hold on too strongly, for too long, you keep your loved one from passing over. I believe this is a way to push people into thinking that they have to let go when they are not ready.
I refuse to accept that someone, somewhere, some higher being, had this planned for us. Nobody planned for us to go through this pain, nobody chose this for us. They just didn't.
The things I refuse to say are more difficult to pin down. They are things that I refuse to acknowledge as well. Something that I have tired HARD to not come out and say are words like "dead" or died" when speaking about my daughter. I prefer "when we lost Alexandra" I don't know why I feel better saying it that way, it seems nicer to me, more sugar coated, and surely, something like this deserves all the sugar coating it can get.
 I refuse to say that I will move on, I will never move on. I hope to move forward one day, but I will never move on. I refuse to sing songs about death, to make jokes about death or to allow myself to think that I understand how anyone is feeling but myself. I cannot comprehend that other moms are in pain when they lose a child. I can comprehend that other people are in pain when they lose a loved one, but I cannot understand completely how they are feeling. Feelings are too personal to be universal.
Something that I have always said and when it slips out now, I quickly regret it is "I was in HEAVEN!" I have used it in reference to my Dayne, while talking to Steve and he always becomes silent and I feel horrible for having it slip out. I say it in reference to my dog, who is quite old and as soon as I do, it quickly puts me in a terrible place.
It's strange how random comments that I used to use all the time, now stop me in my tracks. There are so many other things that I avoid saying or doing and I wonder if I will ever come around. Will I ever be at a place where I don't cringe when someone makes a death joke? Where I don't feel like saying "Yeah, cause death is really funny, right?" accompanied by the most disgusted look I can muster.
Perhaps one day I will simply be able to prevent myself from spitting out sarcastic comments at death joke tellers, but I don't think I will ever find them acceptable. The funny thing is, I can't recall a death joke that I ever found acceptable, but I can't think of one that ever stuck out to me...Now though, no I notice when someone says something that I consider insulting to my child. Our child that we lost.

1 comment:

  1. I understand your feeling of not wanting to say "my daughter died". I too refer to when we lost her or that she passed or was born sleeping. Died seems so harsh in a way... especially for someone so little.

    And I too listen and hear everything in a new way. I pick up on things that people say in ways I never would have before losing Claire. Sometimes I am thrilled about it and sometimes it makes the hurt come back however this is the new normal and it is something I have to get used to. And really when it comes down to it, happy or sad, I am thinking of my little girl and in the end thinking of her makes me happy. :)