July 2, 2010

I have been very open about my loss on this blog. I have spoken a lot of Steve and Dayne and even my dog. I have left out an important part of my life though. Partially because of the connection with what I'm going through now, partially because of the way some people take it, and partially because of the privacy involved.
Today, the connection my mind and my heart has been struggling with has caught up to me and I feel like I have to talk about it. You see, Alexandra is not the only child that I have given birth to and am now without.
When I was sixteen I discovered that I was pregnant. Without getting into all of the details, when I was seventeen, I had my first child. A beautiful baby boy. I spent one day in the hospital with him and then he went home with the parents that I had lovingly chosen for him.
I have always felt that my birth son was a very special blessing. When discussing adoption, I am open with my experience and I always tell people that my first child was not meant to be mine. He was meant to touch my life, to touch my heart and to teach me who I truly was on the inside. Without him, I never would have understood how strong I could be, when that strength was summoned for someone I love unconditionally. The impact my birth son has had on my life, and still has on my life is truly profound, and one day I hope that I can properly articulate it, for him.
When the celebrant was at my house, we discovered that we had this in common. We had both placed a child for adoption. As I broke down that day, I commented that I thought THAT was the most painful thing I would ever go through, but this, this was so much worse.
Placing my child was the most difficult choice I have ever made, even to this day. It was also the best choice I have ever made. The thing that I didn't realize was that, it wasn't final. I still see my birth son. I know where he is, how he is and most importantly, he knows where I am, how I am, and that I love him. He is growing, he is learning, and he is such an amazing child. I blown away by how smart he is, how proud he is of who he is and where he came from.
My heart has made a connection between my birth son and my daughter. My heart tells me that I am the mother of three, but I only have one child. The connections my heart makes are sad. When people ask me how many children I have, I have never known what to say. Do I include my birth son and explain? And now, do I include my birth son and Alexandra and explain?
At the same time that my heart has made this connection, my mind has made the two things worlds apart. Of course my birth son is happy, healthy, growing. I know where he is, I know how he is. I have seen his eyes, seen him smile, heard him laugh. I heard him cry when he was a baby and I held him while he squirmed around in my arms. I chose the life he has.
I had no choice in what happened to Alexandra. I had no say. I will never get to have any of the moments with my daughter that I had with my birth son. And so, they are not the same, but the feelings ARE similar. The feelings I have now are more intense of course, because of the finality of what happened to Alexandra. But those that have placed a child for adoption, surely understand how I feel and what I am saying.
And still, there is another child out there that has lost his sister. And he deserves to be recognized.