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Saturday, July 3, 2010

You Really Need To Stop That

Something that I have noticed is that everyone seems to have a timeline for my grief. Does that make sense? Everyone else has a timeline for MY grief. If people feel that I am moving forward too quickly there is something wrong with me. If I am not moving forward fast enough, there is something wrong with me.
People comment to me all the time about my strength. People tell me that I am strong, if they were in my "situation" they would be a mess. If they were in my "situation" they would not be able to function as I am.
I truly appreciate the vote of confidence, but I am not strong. I cannot go through my life every day with my feelings on my sleeve. I cannot function for my family if I allow myself to stay lost in my emotions. I have to get out of bed, I have to clean my house, to take care of my family, to run errands and live. Even though my Alexandra couldn't live, I still have to. As much as it hurts, as much as I would prefer to stay in my bed all day and cry, I HAVE to get up. I have to.
That is not strength, it is necessity.
As much as I appreciate the compliments of how strong I am, it really is a double edged sword. While it is kind and makes me feel like I am accomplishing the thing I work to accomplish every day, it also makes me wonder about if these people are some of the ones thinking I am moving forward to fast. Uh oh, do they think something is wrong with me? The thing is, I don't know what is "normal" I am in the dark. My feelings are all new to me. I don't know if something is wrong with me, I don't know if I have lost my mind, I just don't know. And I worry.
And those people that think I'm not moving forward fast enough, those people say things to me, in tones that make me feel like they must believe I am crazy. They tell me I really need to start getting out more. They say I've dealt with this long enough. Like the loss of my daughter is something that you "deal with" and then carry on. They tell me I really need to stop keeping track of the months since Alexandra was born. You know what's weird to me? If she was born living, and here with me now, people would think I was crazy if I DIDN'T keep track of the months. Why is this so different? Because I lost my daughter I should shove it all under the rug? Carry on and pretend nothing happened. Get a life and stop dwelling on my terrible "situation?"
As much as I don't understand my own feelings, I understand other people's even less. WHY do people insist on speculating on what I should or should not be doing? WHY do people feel the need to comment on how grateful they are to not be where I am? As if that makes me feel better. For sure, I'm glad that you don't have to feel this pain, but why rub it in my face? WHY do people believe it's their job to tell me how THEY would handle things if they lost their child?
I can't possibly be expected to process someone else's thoughts on how they would handle such a loss, when I can't even process my own.


  1. As an outsider looking in, it's hard for us to know what to say. I feel for you and pray for you everyday tho. I'm trying to come up with a special way to take a picture of Alexandra's name for you, since you like them so much. My mom lost her first daughter, and she tells me that it's not something you "deal with" or something that gets better. It only gets easier to handle with time. You're an awesome mother. I'll email you that picture as soon as I can come up with one I'm satisfied with lol

  2. I have to say, the WORST thing about this grief...other than the fact that your baby died is THIS. It's the people and comments that you will come across. And they never stop. Everyone will give you a timeline on what they think is appropriate for YOUR grief. Everyone will try and give you helpful "advice" like, 'you need to get out more, it will do you some good', everyone will make judgment and tell you that you are "strong", which is terrible. I hated hearing I was so "strong". Not so much, it's more like I'm just surviving because I really have no choice other than to live my life. All I can say is to take people's thoughts and words about your grief lightly and try not to let it bother you too much. I say this when I'm STILL trying to get over things said to me months ago, so I know how hard it is. But the one thing to remember is you are a wonderful Mommy to Alexandra and her memory will live on for as long as you are around and in the end, that's all that really matters. :) ((((HUGS))))

  3. I have to add that I think it's really cool that you're keeping up with this blog. It's nice to hear you being so honest with yourself, and also it helps me better understand what the mothers in my life who have lost their babies (my mom and my husband's cousin) went through.