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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Things I'm Missing Out On

Today is a day that I should probably step away from the computer. Go outside with Dayne and play. A day to distract myself. And I will.
For now, I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling sad and lonely and it sucks. We're walking to my sister's house today. Dayne will play in the pool with my nephews and my sister and I will chat. On the walk, we will stop at the store and get surprise bags for Dayne and my nephews. We'll probably get a Slurpee for Dayne and I to share.
I have taken this walk many times since I had Alexandra, but today, it's making me sad. Today memory of a thought jumped into my head. That's the thing that sucks, memories of things I thought would happen. Memories of the dreams I had. Memories of the things I planned to do with my daughter...with my son and my daughter. Memories of little things, like walking to my sister's with Dayne at the side of  the stroller. Having him help with door as we pushed the stroller into the store. "Thanks buddy, what a good big brother you are" I would tell him, lovingly. Proud that Dayne loved his sister so much. Alexandra in her little sundress, with her little shoes and her little sunhat. Or maybe I'd have her in a carrier. I had wanted to try baby wearing with Alexandra. Maybe she would be cuddled up to me, napping, while Dayne and I walked.
I feel like someone robbed me. Like someone stole so many precious things from me. The memories and potential of my little girl and our happy family. We're one short now, but the memories of my dreams are still there and those thoughts, those memories, those dreams, they make my heart feel like it's been broken into a million little pieces, and somehow, a few of those pieces got lost. My heart will never be whole again.


  1. :( You can say that again. Your heart will never be whole. You were robbed. You were robbed of dreams, memories, everything and I'm so very sorry. It's not fair. Sending you many hugs and loving thoughts today! XO