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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder, does it matter HOW Alexandra was taken from us? I often forget to include the reason when explaining my daughter's story. I will remember after they ask, and of course share, she had a "cord accident" As in, the cord had a knot in and the knot tightened enough to cut off her life line.
But why? Why does it matter? Knowing doesn't help, knowing won't prevent it from happening to someone else. Knowing is being aware that we are helpless, really and truly helpless. There is nothing that I could do to save my daughter.
Knowing that this happens only helps to make people paranoid, does is not? So, what good does knowing really do? How can knowing help?
Sometimes I wonder how to respond to people that call about something baby related. Yesterday a woman called, peddling baby pictures. She first asked for Melissa, I said "This is..." Suspicious because the name on my caller ID said "babygift" The woman continued, telling me that my name had been referred to them...Oh, I thought, this must be someone that knows about what happened. A referral seemed more...official to me. But, as she went on, I realized I was wrong. You can receive a free some size that I can't remember, photo of your new baby..." It clicked in quickly. I cut her off. "My daughter was stillborn" Silence. And then stuttering. "Oh, I am SO sorry, I'm so sorry. Please, I'm very, very sorry. I, I'll remove your name from the list. I'm sorry..." I didn't know if she was apologizing for calling or because I lost my daughter. I felt like she went on forever. Eventually I just said "Yes, thank you. Goodbye." and hung up.
How do you handle these people? I feel like this woman was traumatized by my words. I kind of felt bad. At the same time, they really shouldn't be calling people, and if they are going to, they should be prepared to hear that answer at some point.
You know though...I wonder how I was referred to these people? Did some well intentioned friend refer me before we lost Alexandra? Did someone give them my number to get something free? Did they get my name and number from something I signed up for? I should have asked but I didn't think to at the time, I just wanted to get this woman off my phone. To get that number, that "babygift" off my caller ID.
Sometimes I wonder how Dayne is feeling. This morning when I was letting the dog out, Dayne disappeared. I walked up the few steps towards his bedroom thinking he must have gone to hide on me, hide and go seek is his favorite game. Something in the hallway seemed off though, and I realized that Alexandra's door was open and the light was on. I walked into her room and found Dayne standing, right in the middle. I said "What are you doing buddy?" and he replied "Are you still sad because my baby sister is gone?" Gone. He has never used that word. He has always referred to what happened as his baby sister not being able to come home from the hospital, never gone. Something new must have happened in his mind. I answered him with simply "Yes" and walked all the way into the room. I picked up her sleeper off the floor, I'm not sure how it got there, and put it in her crib. Dayne went on talking, "I just wanted to come in and remember my baby sister." "Oh. That's nice to do." "Mommy, remember when the Easter Bunny hid a whole pile of eggs back there?" as he pointed to the corner of the room that holds Alexandra's Bassinet. The Easter Bunny hadn't hidden the eggs there, his cousin had left his eggs there because he didn't want them. When they left and Dayne found them he was so excited. He never ate the eggs though, he isn't a huge fan of chocolate.
Of course I said "Yeah, I remember those eggs." And our conversation turned to how the Easter Bunny gets into small places and if he's big or small, if he's a regular bunny or a big bunny that walks around and is a funny color like blue or purple. As we talked Dayne walked out of the room and back down to the living room. I asked him if he is sad because his baby sister is gone too and he said "sure" He always says that, I'm not sure if he was just done talking about it or if he wasn't paying attention. Or maybe he doesn't understand being sad about it because he never got to meet his sister. I didn't push, I just told him that he can go into Alexandra's room to remember her whenever he likes.
I wonder if I'm doing everything right for Dayne.


  1. i'm so sorry you got that phone call. you said you felt bad that your words might have traumatized her, but sometimes i find myself hoping that people have that kind of reaction. otherwise, i wonder if they ever really GET it? do people really know how awful this is? b/c most of the time i think they just brush it off. so maybe that makes me mean-spirited and selfish, but i'm glad you were that blunt with her about it.

    your story about dayne made me cry. sending you a hug.

  2. Hearing about that phone call made me cry for you. I have had several occasions now where I had to tell someone the same thing and I absolutely felt like I traumatized them. And yes, it is sad.. its sad that this happened to us, sad that we kind of like.. leave a trail of traumatized people behind us... its ALL sad. But at least they will forever be more sensitive to our world- at least they will be more aware now that our world exists. <3

    PS I think you are doing a great job with Dayne. <3 He is so lucky to have a wonderful mama like you.

  3. You are doing everything right for him, you are an amazing mama. Tears when I read the part about Alexandra's room. Hugs to you.