July 26th, 2010

Tomorrow is three months since we found out that Alexandra no longer had a heart beat. Today is a sad day for me. It's not overwhelmingly sad, just...sad. I feel extra tired...depressed. But please, don't feel bad for me, this is not a bad day, not when compared to my days past. It's just a sad day. I will cry easily. I will probably ask Steve to go to the cemetery when he gets home, even though we were just there yesterday.
Today Dayne found the biggest dragonfly I have ever seen. It reminded me of a few angel mommies from a loss group I'm in. They see dragonflies a lot. I don't know why I feel the need to write about the dragon fly, but I do.
I also realized something today. Due to some scheduling issues, we have changed the date of Dayne's birthday party next month. I hadn't thought much of it, mostly that we had planned on having the party on the 22nd, but instead were having it the weekend after his birthday (which is in a month today!) I realized that date is the 29th. Four months...Alexandra's four month birthday. And I wondered if we should reschedule, would I be too sad that day?
But after some thought I came to the conclusion that Alexandra would love it if we celebrated on that day. I also decided that it won't take away from Dayne's birthday party, it will make it extra special. I haven't decided yet if I will mention it to Dayne. I think it may be best to just know, within myself and let Dayne enjoy his day. Still, I wonder, would he be happy knowing he was sharing a day with Alexandra? I just don't know.
It's a confusing and winding road that we are maneuvering here, balancing grief and parenting. It's exhausting sometimes, and yet, I am still so grateful for Dayne, my special little guy.