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Monday, July 26, 2010

July 26th, 2010

Tomorrow is three months since we found out that Alexandra no longer had a heart beat. Today is a sad day for me. It's not overwhelmingly sad, just...sad. I feel extra tired...depressed. But please, don't feel bad for me, this is not a bad day, not when compared to my days past. It's just a sad day. I will cry easily. I will probably ask Steve to go to the cemetery when he gets home, even though we were just there yesterday.
Today Dayne found the biggest dragonfly I have ever seen. It reminded me of a few angel mommies from a loss group I'm in. They see dragonflies a lot. I don't know why I feel the need to write about the dragon fly, but I do.
I also realized something today. Due to some scheduling issues, we have changed the date of Dayne's birthday party next month. I hadn't thought much of it, mostly that we had planned on having the party on the 22nd, but instead were having it the weekend after his birthday (which is in a month today!) I realized that date is the 29th. Four months...Alexandra's four month birthday. And I wondered if we should reschedule, would I be too sad that day?
But after some thought I came to the conclusion that Alexandra would love it if we celebrated on that day. I also decided that it won't take away from Dayne's birthday party, it will make it extra special. I haven't decided yet if I will mention it to Dayne. I think it may be best to just know, within myself and let Dayne enjoy his day. Still, I wonder, would he be happy knowing he was sharing a day with Alexandra? I just don't know.
It's a confusing and winding road that we are maneuvering here, balancing grief and parenting. It's exhausting sometimes, and yet, I am still so grateful for Dayne, my special little guy.


  1. yes it is quite hard to balance grief and parenting (((HUGS)))

  2. I think it's special Dayne will be sharing that day with Alexandra! It's up to you whether or not you want to tell him. I'm sure whatever you decide it will be the right decision. Either way, you will know and that in itself makes it special. :)

  3. It will be beautifully special... I just know it...