July 10th, 2010

Yesterday was a nice Mommy Dayne day. We played outside in the pool, we hung out in the basement to keep cool, we chatted and blew bubbles. It was a nice day, just the two of us. I tried to concentrate on the fun that Dayne and I were having, he laughed and screamed when I sprayed him with the sprinkler and yelled "Do it again mommy!" I took pictures of him drinking from the hose and playing ring toss in his pool.
After we came inside, I started to feel guilty. First I thought, "We should have put something in the picture to represent Alexandra, so she could have been involved." Then I thought "It's not fair to Dayne. If Alexandra was here, Dayne and I would still have our special days, without Alexandra." Then I cried because I felt guilty about thinking about doing something without Alexandra if she had been born living.
When we told Dayne I was pregnant, he wasn't really excited. When we told him he was going to have a little sister he said "Ummm, I actually don't like little sisters..." When I would put baby things together, or shop for baby things, I would always make sure to include Dayne, to make him feel like he was doing something to help his little sister. I SWORE that I would never let a new baby take over. I would make sure to make time for just Dayne and I, so that he wouldn't feel left out or resentful of his baby sister.
I made these promises to myself, for Dayne and I felt good about them. If Alexandra was alive, I would have kept these promises. But she isn't and thoughts of her and the pain creeps into everything. The pain taints the new memories I'm making. When I think back, my memories of everything since we had Alexandra are shrouded with darkness. I feel like I should be taking pictures FOR Alexandra, so she's involved, because it's all I can do. But then I feel like I'm taking away from my time and memories with Dayne and I don't know how to get over this hurdle.
I'm in a slump. I'm melancholic. I'm tired.