I just want to say it, I'm not bitter. I'm not angry. I have felt both of these things, I have let them wash over me, and I have realized that they are not feelings that will heal my heart.
An itemized list of all the wrongs that have been done to me, will only take up extra space in my memory, extra space that could be used for something good...something great.
Hatred and anger towards other people, a God, any God, will only absorb energy that could be used towards something good...something fantastic.
Sometimes, bitterness will creep in. I see it seeping into my mind, it darkens the corners of my thoughts, it oozes into my memories. Like a bottle of ink tipped over, glossing over it only makes it worse. You have to drown it out, wash it away, or it was taint everything. It will dampen and dirty all of your thoughts, all of your dreams, until there is no good left.
I actively work to keep my mind free of this darkness. Mostly, it feels slightly numb, sometimes I feel defeated, often lately, it feels like a new and different form of peace. Somehow, I imagine that this is probably the way my peace will feel from now on. Not serenity, but not torture...something in the middle.
For this new peace, I am letting all the other things go. I am going to see the thoughtless comments for their intent, not the feelings they give me. I'm going to look past the people that hurt me. I will not place blame on anyone or anything, sometimes tragedies happen. I will allow my daughter to teach me that the world has more to it than I can see. There may not be a reason for everything, but you can work to find a moment to think about what you have learned.
I do not want to sound all Pollyanna, I just want to encompass my daughter's memory with only goodness and hope. Beyond my tragedy, there is hope, I just know there is, there HAS to be.
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So glad to hear you are letting those other things go because I think that's one of the hardest things to do. I still struggle to let the bitter, angry feelings go. It's so very hard. XO
ReplyDeleteCame here via Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and I'm so sorry about your loss. I, too, had a full term stillbirth and wanted to say I'm struggling with bitterness and anger a lot myself and appreciate your positive approach.
ReplyDeleteIt's true. Either way you will not have Alexandra back. So you can embrance the warmth and the love and the wonderful things that she has taught you, or you can dwell on the emptiness and the bitterness and the hurt. Some days there will be emptiness and bitterness and hurt...but I think more and more often as the immediate pain of the situation fades you will be able to embrace the good more and more often. At least I hope that's how it works. Some times I still feel stuck in the mire.
ReplyDeleteit really does take so much effort sometimes not to sink into the bitterness and wallow in it. i try to, also, but lately i have felt so much anger and jealousy. i hate being an angry person, and every time i have these selfish, bitter thoughts, it's immediately followed by guilt and irritation. i just keep telling myself it's a natural part of grief, and i make efforts every day to stay busy, be productive, and find something to enjoy.
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