I spent most of my day today cleaning. I am sad...just sad. I felt like, if I cleaned, it might take my mind off my sadness. It's easy sometimes, to sit here and get lost in it. To stare at the computer, the TV, the wall, and disappear into my own mind, where the sadness dwells.
Cleaning doesn't help. While I hang laundry I stare at the TV, but my mind has wandered to the sadness. As I vacuum, my mind goes there again. My only hope is to clean until I am exhausted enough to sleep. And so, I cleaned. I did the laundry, I tidied, I vacuumed, I dusted, I even vacuumed the ceiling. I sorted through papers, finding all the pamphlets from my pregnancy. I thought about keeping them, and then I thought better of it. This is not an Alexandra memory, this is me holding onto useless things because it was somehow, slightly connected to her memory. I never read the pamphlets, I was not interested in them...looking at them only reminds me slightly of a prenatal appointment, not Alexandra. So, I tossed them.
It was a lot of work, all the cleaning I did. Yet I am still sad. When I was too tired to clean any more, leaving only a few things for tomorrow, I sat down at the computer and found nothing to keep my attention. The sadness began to creep out of the shadows. I made another attempt to keep the sadness away. I started working. I do work from home jobs now, something they call "blog management" It's not fun, and it doesn't pay well but it does pay, and it does give me something to do, so I do it. Today though, my mind wasn't working properly. Of course, I'm tired, I have stopped sleeping again and I had spent the whole day cleaning to tire myself, so I could only dedicate about half an hour to my work before my brain decided to completely quit on me.
I went back to the random internet thing...nothing...email...nothing...the other email...nothing. Why does Steve have to be working so late tonight, I complained to myself. Checked the TV...nothing. Dayne is sleeping, so no playing or story reading. And the sadness creeps in...
So, here I find myself, in the sadness, waiting for Steve to come home to distract me.
I do not like this sadness, and I have searched for a reason for it to be here, so strong, right now. There isn't a reason, it's just there, it just hits you sometimes, without warning and for no reason, just...sadness...just missing my Alexandra.
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I still think of you Missy all the time, you should go on the board and check in we all love you
ReplyDeleteSome days nothing can make it go away...no amount of distraction. I hope that today is a better day for you.
ReplyDeletethis pretty much describes my summer. i am so ready for the new school year, so that i can get back into a regular daily routine. but in the meantime i have kept busy with a "to-do" list - cleaning out closets, bathroom cabinets, repainting the trim in the bathroom, cleaning out the shed and the laundry room, etc. all to keep myself occupied, and yet all i do is think about kenny while i do this stuff. some days are better than others, though. it's hard to understand why sometimes the sadness just comes on so strong.
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