Blogger Templates

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Betrayal Of My Body

If you have ever been cheated on, you may know how this feels. You told all your friends how great this person was, you never would have expected that they would cheat and when you found out, you felt betrayed. You probably felt really stupid for all those kind words you shared. Depending on how far along the relationship was would play largely into how deep these feelings ran.
For me, when I think of all the things I said about my daughter, all the dreams I talked about, the times I said she would take dance classes, she would wear mostly dresses, all the times I looked at other little girls and thought about if my daughter would look similar to that. Would she be born with dark hair and have it lighten up like her brother?
I actually stated, very matter of factly, that she would look like her daddy when she was born and within six months she would look like me. It's what happened with Dayne. I joked that an old friend of mine had said it was for paternity purposes that kids were born looking like their fathers and then began to look like their mothers. I knew it would be the same for my daughter.
I said a lot of things that I hoped for my daughter. I called about her RESP, because she needs an education fund, so that she will be successful. I applied for maternity leave. I posted her as my daughter on facebook, with her birth date. I registered for everything you could register for.
And I feel stupid. I feel betrayed. My own body has betrayed me. My own body has taken all those words, all those hopes and dreams and robbed me of them. I am horrified when something comes in the mail, those things from Heinz or the nestle, the diaper samples and formula cans. It's not the items though, it's the slap in the face reminder that I had plans for my daughter. From the diapers to the food samples, these were the first steps of those plans. Those plans that have been stolen from me, when my daughter's life was stolen.

1 comment:

  1. having lost one of my identical twin girls, I know how you feel. It is crushingly hard to see the baby girls' section in stores, even though that's where I need to shop! I had to leave church last month when 2 baby girls were blessed, it was too awful. I want to choke the people who have twins and complain about how hard it is!
    But mostly, I feel betrayed by my body too. I had all the symptoms of a healthy pregnancy so why did she have to not make it?
    Ugh, this sucks.