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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

June, 15, 2010

I have my postpartum appointment today. I'll be leaving in about half an hour. I made the appointment at the prenatal clinic I went to throughout my pregnancy because I thought it would be easier for me, familiar faces and no need to explain why I was having this check up without a baby in tow.
I believe I may have made a horrible mistake. I began to think about explaining to the receptionist that no, I don't have to weigh myself, I'm not pregnant. No, I don't have a baby with me. The way the clinic works is a little different than the usual clinic, there are two receptionists, one when you first walk in and one for each clinic. The first one will not know about my situation. I hadn't thought of this.
I don't want to go sit in a room with a sign that reminds new moms not to toss their baby's diapers in the garbage. Where a fetal heartbeat monitor will be sitting on the counter. For all those moms that are happily pregnant, there for their prenatal exams. The baby pictures on the walls, the pregnant bellies and newborn babies all around me.
What was I thinking?
My heart begins to beat faster, my breath shortens and my eyes well up just thinking of it.
What have I done? Why didn't I think of this? How am I going to get through this?
I wish that Steve could take me, at least I could have my break down in the car, right after I leave then, but he is working and so my step dad is taking me, and I am just not comfortable having that breakdown in front of anyone other than Steve.
Why does everything have to be this hard? Why isn't there a handbook that reminds you, after the shock has worn off, the triggers will grow and you will not be able to sit in the clinic where you last heard your baby's heart beat. You won't want to be there and you will find it almost impossible to be there.
Why I made this most stupid of stupid decisions, I have no idea.


  1. Good luck at your appointment. I hope it's not as bad as you fear.

  2. If I didn't love my Dr. I would totally switch because it is so hard to walk into that office every time, even now. I remember that first visit afterward, mine was 2 weeks postpartum and it was so difficult. I was almost mad at all the happy pregnant ladies. Luckily it's a small office so the receptionists and nurse know me and I didn't have to explain anything. Good luck Melissa!

  3. I hope it goes well. I remember how hard it was going back there. Thinking of you!