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Friday, June 4, 2010


Last year I injured my shoulder. The doctor told me I had a torn rotator cuff. I went for cold laser therapy to help heal it. The day after I had it done, my shoulder felt extra sore. Like the muscles and tissue were all raw, it was quite painful. For the record, the following day it felt MUCH better.
Today, I went for my first therapy appointment. I feel like my shoulder felt the first day after cold laser therapy, only, rather than physical pain, it's emotional. My emotions are raw, I am hyper sensitive, I don't really want to talk to people.
The therapy itself was an interesting experience. I tried to stay a little more guarded than I normally would be because I didn't want to cry. Before I went I listened to happy music, I played with Dayne, I tried to prepare myself, to bring my mood up so that it would be more difficult for me to start crying. My plan did not work, I really need to stop making these plans, they never seem to pan out for me.
She began by asking me about what happened. I spared her all the details, I ran through what happened quickly. I shared why we went to the hospital, how we found out, that we went home that day and came back the next, that the cord was around her neck and had a knot in it. I didn't cry. When I was finished she said nothing. She looked at me and said nothing. I think she was waiting for more details, I didn't want to share, I didn't want to cry.
Eventually I did cry. I cried talking about the walk home from Dayne's pre school. How I had taken that walk the Thursday before Alexandra passed away. How I refuse to do it now, I won't take that walk again. When I explained to her why I wouldn't take that walk, I did ok, when I commented at the end that NOW I would be taking that walk with her in a stroller, had she not passed away, I had to stop. I had to cry.
When I talked about my dog I cried. I told her about how he got sick at Christmas time and on New Years Day we rushed him to the emergency vet. I told her that I was terrified that he wouldn't live to meet Alexandra, before that moment, before I told that story out loud, I didn't realize, and the realization crashed down on me. I was worried about the dog because he's old, I was afraid that HE wouldn't make it until Alexandra was born, I never thought that SHE wouldn't make it. And then it dawned on me, I wanted him to meet her, I wanted my dog to tiptoe around Alexandra like he had done around Dayne, I wanted him to play with her and experience her and he won't.
It's hard. Today is hard. Every day is hard, but when you actually have to face the worst feelings, even for a minute, it's so incredibly hard and it hurts so, so much.
I know I have more thoughts to share about the therapy, about my day today, but at this moment, I simply can't.


  1. It's terribly hard to retell the story over again. A lot of pain and heartache. Thinking of you. XO

  2. I'm glad you went to see the therapist. I know you don't feel like it but it is very brave of you to seek healing. Did you like her? I know it hurts to remember it all but it's so much better to let the hurt out than to keep it in.