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Monday, June 7, 2010

It Won't Go Away

My sister and I had plans to go to Body Worlds before we found out about Alexandra. I have seen the ads for it since and wondered if she still wants to go. I can't go. I thought it looked so neat, but now, the idea of seeing cadavers, nope, I can't do it. I'm having problems with the thought of anything to do with death. There are words that make me cringe because they are triggering my struggle with anything death related right now. The words themselves don't offend me, they don't hurt me, they just make something in my brain jump to thoughts of death that I can't handle at the moment.
We went grocery shopping yesterday. Whenever we go out to run errands, whenever I do anything, I think about how it would be if I had my daughter with me. Last night, when we were grocery shopping, I had to run to grab something we forgot. As I was walking back I thought about how I would be pushing a stroller or carrying my daughter had things turned out the way they were supposed to. These thoughts, I don't choose for them to jump into my head. They just pop up and they stop me dead in my tracks. And I just want to stop wherever I am and cry.
I always thought that I was a strong person, that pain is only temporary, that if you can just suck it up and tough it out, you will be fine. I planned to deliver my daughter with no drugs. My mindset was that the pain would pass but that experience would stay with me forever. One of my old favorite quotes "The pain passes but the beauty remains" (Pierre Auguste Renoir)
This pain won't pass though. No amount of grinning and bearing it will make the pain go away. And I wonder, is this how my life is going to be from now on? Just barely making it through the days with this excruciating heartache? Will I ever be fully present again? Is my entire life and any amount of happiness that I might experience going to be consumed by this pain? If I could just have my daughter back...Why can't I just have my daughter?

1 comment:

  1. I know that no words make the pain go away and the pain will never go away but it will get a little more bearable bit by bit. You are a strong woman just by getting up and functioning for your son. You are a strong woman for carrying on the will to live when tragedy seems to be putting more pressure on your shoulders then imaginable.
    It has been 3 years since I had a loss and I will never forget my baby and neither will you. Our angels will have half of our heart until the day we join them.