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Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Way The Mind Works

I'm generally a fairly analytical person. A lot of people have described me this way in the past and, while I'm sure some meant it as an insult, I always thought it was a good thing. I think it's this part of my personality that has been causing me to seek out the truth. The truth about where my daughter is, how I will get to be with her again and what happens when we die.
I've also been trying to understand my emotions, my grief. I want to know what is going on inside myself. And as I read about other people's losses, I understand that what I am going through is not strange. What I'm feeling is normal...but I still want more information. The information I seek is not just about how I'm feeling now, but what is to come. People seem to think I should be getting over things by if I'll ever get over it. I feel like, when I say that I'm not ready to do certain things, to go certain places, people think that I'm using my grief as an excuse to be lazy or not socialize. It's not an excuse though, it's not an exaggeration of what's going on with me. I wish people could understand that I don't want to walk around with my emotions on my sleeve. I don't want to be constantly present with my grief. I want to be present with Dayne when we're at soccer and present with Steve when we're celebrating Father's Day. I understand that, while it's important to work through my grief, it's not the most important thing all the time. I understand that, why can't other people?
I also feel like I work against myself. I am not one to show emotion, I don't like for people to know that I'm hurting, I would rather deal with my pain and grief alone than in front of anyone. For some reason this leads people to believe that I'm fine, that I'm "over it." I have had people say "Well, you seem ok, so..." How do they know? They aren't in my head, they aren't in my heart, how could they possibly know? I'm NOT ok, I'm NOT. I'm functioning, for my family. That is not a reflection of how I feel on the inside. Really, who would want to be around me if I was completely open, at all times, with how I'm feeling in that moment? Nobody wants to be around that, and I could never blame anyone for that, I wouldn't want to be around myself.
I have examined the grief model at length, to try to understand. It explains that people often don't understand that these things don't just pass. At least I know that this isn't my issue with a lack of communication, even if I was communicating my feels better, people may still have the same feelings, or at least similar feelings.
 The grief model sites also say that grief often doesn't happen in the order explained, but it is a good general guide of what to expect. This hasn't really helped me to feel any better and it really doesn't make me feel more sane either, but I feel like, if I just keep searching, at some point, I have to come across the something that will.


  1. No one can ever understand what we go through. NEVER- unless they do themselves. (And I'm finding... occasionally.. that even others that have losses don't exactly know how I feel...) Just remember that you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. This is the time to be selfish, or as my therapist says, "be gentle with yourself." Look out for numero uno. I often feel like you- I am back to "the old me" as far as being very jokey and laughing a lot, jogging, being sweet and huggy with my friends- people take these as signs that I'm doing ok. And maybe I am... in a way... but I'm also very NOT ok, you know? None of this reality I'm experiencing was supposed to happen. But what choice do we have other than to just make the best of it? It doesn't mean we like it, and it doesn't mean we are all better. It just means we are not dead. <3

  2. There is no timeline.... Grief comes and goes as it likes. I'm sorry that people expect you to be "over" something that it is impossible to ever truly get over. You lost your baby, not a shoe or an earring or a job. A baby. A child you loved and wanted. There is nothing like that pain in all the world; I wish more people could understand that.

  3. I am very much like you in that I don't like people to know and see that I'm hurting. And because of that, a lot of my family assumes everything is okay and I'm "over it" and I'm carrying on with my life. At the same time, me not wanting to go to family parties with kids/babies everywhere makes some think I'm shutting everyone out and I need help! *sigh* It's so hard because people just don't understand and make their own assumptions about YOUR grief. All I can say is take your time and deal with your grief however you want. Like Michele said, there is no timeline. It's what matters to you the most. (((HUGS)))