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Saturday, June 26, 2010

A Step In The Right Direction

We have a park by our house. Right across the street actually. We call it the "ice cream park" because the park has a little area that is made to look like an ice cream stand. The park being there was a big reason why I fell in love with this house. Dayne loves the park and asks to go there almost every day.
Yesterday we were playing at the park and Dayne was looking at the pebbles and started to talk about Alexandra's pictures. He likes to look at the pictures that we get for her, with her name. He remembered the picture of Alexandra's treasure bean and asked if these were the same kind of rocks. They're pretty small, so I told him that they probably weren't. At that time Dayne had one of his brilliant moments. I notice that sometimes when a child says something, it's exactly what you were thinking, only more to the point. Sometimes when children have ideas, they are the most perfect ideas. Sometimes Dayne has the thoughts and ideas...I'd like to say that he often does, he's at an age where he his understanding of most complicated things is more abstract.
Dayne asked me if we could make a picture with the rocks for Alexandra. His idea was so sweet, so I built on it and asked him if he'd like to paint some of the rocks and use them to spell out her name on the park. He was immediately excited, his idea AND painting, how could you go wrong?
So, we decided that's what we would do, but first, we needed paint.
The dollar store has a ton of different colors of paint, and different kinds too. The issue with this is that this store is in an area that I have not been able to walk to or from since we lost Alexandra. The Thursday before we found that Alexandra had passed away, one week before she was born, I had taken that walk. My last walk with her. The last time we were alone together.
But Dayne was so excited and he wanted to do something for his sister. He wanted her to be with him at his park and I couldn't not do it and I couldn't make him wait until someone else could take him. I HAD to go. And somehow, taking that walk again, with Dayne, to do something for Alexandra just felt right. So I did it.
As we walked, I concentrated on Dayne. On our conversation. We talked about how he could hear the water running in the sewer, he asked if the whole world could flood which led to me telling him about Noah's Ark, which led to a lot of questions and talk about God and why Dayne thinks he's invisible and has super powers to see everyone in the world. I learned a lot from Dayne during that walk.
At the store we picked our paint and a few other things and we made our way back home. The walk home was similar to the walk there but with less conversation. Dayne had gotten a "lightsaber" that made noise, so he ran ahead swinging it around telling me that he was saving me from the bad guys. He told me that I could be the beautiful princess and he was protecting me. It was a nice walk and I didn't cry.
When we got home I was proud. I called Steve at work to tell him and he said "I guess you were ready" As I told him, I cried a little bit. It's one of those things...I'm happy that I did it. I'm happy that I found the strength and that the strength came form Dayne AND Alexandra. I'm happy that I took that walk for such a good reason.
But I'm sad. I don't want to let go of any of my memories of Alexandra and I feel like, by taking these steps forward, I am letting go of her. I don't want to let go of her. It isn't logical, I know it's not. I know that she will always be with me, the memories will always be with me and one new memory won't cancel out an old one, but the thought is still there. A tiny little cloud. It's a step though, the first tiny little step.
Oh, and if you're wondering about our little project, we painted the rocks. More accurately, I painted the rocks while Dayne painted a beautiful picture for Daddy. We waited for them to dry over night and today, after we finished up all our other daily things we went over to the park, when no one was there and took some pictures. I would have liked to spend a bit more time, but we had to hurry because kids come and go a lot and we didn't want them to get in the pictures or anything! Of course, I have a million more ideas for these painted rocks and my daughters name, so there will be many more pictures.


  1. Oh I love it!!! :) Sometimes I'm afraid of losing the memories too. As each month goes by, sometimes it feels like I'm a little further away, but you just have to keep believing she's always with you & with each new picture or little thing you do for Alexandra, you're keeping her memories very much alive. She'll always be a part of your life.(((HUGS))))

  2. I love it. What a great way to remember her, and way to go on taking that walk. She will always be with you, no matter what.

  3. What a lovely idea. I'm so glad your walk was nice and that Dayne helped you (unknowingly) through it. : ) Hehe, you know, I'll NEVER get tired of seeing Valentina's name. We are going to the beach this weekend and I plan to do my own sand photo.