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Friday, June 25, 2010

I wonder...

This is a slew of things that I frequently wonder about these days.

I wonder why some people only come around when something really horrible happens. Not those people that come out of the woodwork and end up being really wonderful friends you didn't know you had, but those other people. The ones that would choose to have nothing to do with you if things were great and happy and wonderful, but pop up to use your tragedy to gain attention for themselves. I don't only wonder WHY these people do this, but also what is WRONG with them? Why are they in such need of attention that they are willing to take advantage of a person that has just suffered through something unthinkable? And I also wonder what they think *I* think when they vanish after the initial horror goes away and people stop thinking about poor Melissa and her unfortunate situation.

I wonder why people refer to my life now as a "situation" what has happened isn't my "situation" it's my life. What I am going through isn't a horrendous situation that will pass in time. Calling something a this really seems to dehumanize Alexandra...something that takes away from her memory. Something that takes away from who she was and who she would have been...and who she is now. "Oh, Melissa, yes, what a terrible situation she's in" Hm. I wish people wouldn't say that. Something unthinkable happened. That unthinkable thing is that I lost my daughter. My daughter is not a situation, she was a living baby. My daughter is Alexandra. "Oh, Melissa, yes, it's terrible what happened to Alexandra." See how that changes things?

I wonder if people think I'm rude when I ignore them. Yesterday I took Dayne to the park. A boy from his soccer team was there. The boy's mom has a little girl who is a few months old. I can't be around this woman when she is holding her daughter. Yesterday we noticed each other at the same time, she was about to say hello, but my eyes had moved to the baby in her arms and I immediately walked away. It was too hard. I don't mean to be rude. In those moments I have to make a decision. This woman doesn't know what has gone on in my life, she doesn't know about Alexandra. These are things you don't really discuss with strangers. It would look ridiculous if I ended up trying to hold back tears while talking to her. I would be forced to explain and, in person, I can't do it yet.

I wonder when things will stop being "too hard" So much stuff in my life these days is too hard. The thought of doing certain things sends me into fits of anxiety. I just can't handle much of my life lately, and I wonder when it will get better, when it will get easier. People keep saying that I have to just do things, just get out there and the pain will pass.  The anxiety though, I don't think they realize, it's debilitating. I wonder if this is normal...

I wonder when the tears will come less frequently. I cry easily and this is something that keeps me from doing a lot of things outside my home. If something triggers my sadness while I'm out, what am I to do? I don't dare cry in front of people, let alone complete strangers.

I wonder if my hormones are back to normal. I feel like they can't be because every day is still a roller coaster of emotions and surely this can't be how my life is just going to be from now on. How can that be?

I wonder many more things, but I will write one more and then leave it at that for today.

I wonder if anyone else is feeling just the same way that I am, right this minute.


  1. Chances are, I am feeling the same way. <3 As are most of us. At any time. Sending you love.

  2. I guess the only comment I have is to try to let go a little bit. I know you've said you are not the type to cry in public...but honestly if you can't cry in public after your daughter died then when can you? Since we found out that Aidan was likely going to die I've tried to be gentler with myself about showing emotions in public. I mean really...feeling awkward never killed anyone. Yes, some people might not know what to say, and others might say the wrong thing...but bottling it all up and being anxious makes YOU feel worse. If you end up letting it all out and some happens to splash on others...well too bad...they will just have to handle it. But yes, I understand. It's hard to have to live like this every day. I wish it would get easier for each of us...and soon.

  3. And my comment was not meant to be 'preachy' at all. Just trying to help you see that you don't have to be concerned about everyone else right now. If you need to cry (loudly...with great sobs and snorts and wads of Kleenex) right that second then DO IT. The situation is shitty...if people mind...too damn bad.

  4. I hate when people refer to my daughter dying as a situation UGH...I'm sorry

    I am feeling the same way you are <3

  5. I hate when people refer to it as a "situation" too. Take your time and go at your own pace. Getting out and doing things might distract you for a while, but in the end, I think after losing a child, he or she is on your mind every second of the day. I think it took me months before I finally started to go out and do normal things. And I had to do it all gradually too. Every little trip was like one more step out into the real world. Just be patient. ((HUGS)))