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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

June 1st, 2010

Today is not a very good day for me. I don't know why. I didn't sleep well last night, I was upset by some people that were less than empathetic and it really impacted my sleep. I woke up early and wrote out some of the thank you cards I have to get done, I got Dayne ready for school, I visited with him before he left.
While he was gone, I tried to relax, but felt like something was just not right...I feel...I don't know really, maybe like there is a cloud hovering over me.
I went for lunch with my mom and step dad and found myself easily upset by children. All children, not just newborn baby girls, but baby boys and little girls that were older. While I was at the bank I saw a little girl running by, with cute little jeans and these adorable white shoes. It was something I would have picked for my daughter to wear at that age...Except, I will never have that opportunity. I don't know why it hurt so much, usually I can block it out, but not so much today.
When I got home I put on some jogging pants and turned up the heat and crawled into bed. I turned on a computer game for Dayne and we sat here together. He has soccer tonight and I don't want to go. I commented to Steve about it. I said that he should take Dayne and I should stay home. He chuckled like it was a joke. I guess I don't get that time that people talk about. I don't get to choose to stay home if I want to.
I told Steve that I'm feeling especially sad today and he told me to calm down...How does that really make me feel better? I know he doesn't know what to say to me, and I don't fault him for trying an answer like that. I don't really know what I want from him, I don't know if I will ever feel that he understands how I am feeling enough because he is feeling his grief differently than I am. I sometimes wonder what it's like in his head. Does he think about this stuff as much as me? Does his pain feel the same?
I hate this day and I can't wait to go to bed. But in the mean time, I don't get to just sit here, I have to carry on, even when I really, really don't want to.

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