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Saturday, June 5, 2010

What do YOU want to do?

I've noticed something. I am never sure what to do. What do I say? What do I do? How can I go about something without offending, without hurting someone else? What should I say? How should I act?
I worried about what to say to the therapist and everyone told me not to worry, to say whatever came to me. But what was the RIGHT thing to say? Was there something I was SUPPOSED to be saying?
I wonder how often I SHOULD go to the cemetery. We go once a week now. It's just how it's worked out with Steve's work and our other commitments. I feel badly saying that, like my daughter isn't a commitment...she is. And I feel like, by putting something ahead of her, we are acting like she can wait, she's not as important...and she is.
I wonder who I should talk to, when I should talk to them, what I should say. I keep worrying about what other people are thinking, how they are feeling, if something I do will upset THEM.
For every time someone has told me to do what makes ME feel better I have thought that I am so lost, I don't know what will make me feel better. I already have so much hurt and so much guilt, I don't want to realize some time down the road that I should have been doing something else and by not doing that something else, I was somehow shrugging off my responsibility to my daughter.
I hope that she knows, no matter what mistakes I make in talking to people about her, or visiting with her too much or not enough, I hope she knows that I'm trying. I'm doing the best that I can with what I have and that I miss her and I love her. No matter what, the very core of everything that I do is because I love her and I miss her, those are the only two things I feel 100% sure on.

1 comment:

  1. Melissa, I think the only thing that matters is what matters to you & Alexandra. I hate that a lot of the times we are the ones who actually worry about offending people or saying the 'right' thing. It shouldn't have to be that way. We're the ones grieving for our baby, not them. I struggle with this too sometimes and I hate it. I hate having to be the bigger person in this sometimes. (((HUGS)))