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Sunday, May 30, 2010

The Big Questions

This experience has caused me to question things. I was raised Catholic, but stopped following that faith fairly early on. I have always considered myself spiritual, but not religious. When asked I would always reply that I did not subscribe to any organized religion. I have made too many mistakes to be religious. Religion is something I find fascinating, of course. I find faith beautiful and I do wish that it fit into my life. It is hard though, the "rules" so many rules. I don't like being told what to do, and I like even less being judged.
A belief I held for quite some time now was that, when we pass away, our soul leaves our body, and if you are a good person, you choose what you move along to. So, if I'm good, when I die, my soul will move along to something of my choosing...say a hawk. If you're bad though, the opposite happens. But good an bad is so subjective, isn't it?
With the loss of my daughter, the thought that her soul left and is just gone...I simply cannot accept that. That means that I will never see her again, she is just gone. And, if my belief was true, what does it mean for her anyway? She didn't have a life. She didn't have the opportunity to live a good life. I just can't see how it could be possible now.
But then, what is possible? Is my baby in limbo? Is she in Heaven? Is my baby in danger of ending up in a terrible place based on my own wrong doings and Steve's?
Some how, these things seem impossible for me to answer and impossible to understand. But I am not able to just accept that there is nothing after death and that my beautiful little girl is just gone forever. That can't be possible, it just can't. Why would I lose her to never, ever see her again?
I simply have to believe that I will see her again or I will become so irreparably broken that there will be no way for me to ever be happy, or even normal, ever again.
And if I will see her again, who's god is holding onto her and caring for her while she waits for me?


  1. I saw your post on baby center and I saw that you had a blog about the loss of your sweet angel so I am sorry if I am over stepping by leaving a comment. Your baby is not gone. She is safe and loved with all the people that you have ever known and have passed from this life. I know some religions teach that if a baby is not baptized they cant go to heaven. In my religion we are taught that all little children under the age of accoutability are made perfect in christ and his atonment for man kind. I like to think that because my baby was so innocent and sweet he is safe and sound and just waiting for the day that we get to be with him again. I know your little one is safe and loved without a doubt in my mind so take peace in knowing that she is ok and she is perfect. I am so sorry if I have overstepped a boundry I just hope you can feel the peace that she is ok. If you have any question feel free to ask. I am so so sorry for your loss and I pray that the pain eases a little with time.

  2. I wish you could meet my friend Shirley. She's a private psychotherapist with a very interesting view of the afterlife that I kind of like.
    She believes, like you, that when someone dies their spirit chooses where they go next whether that's to stay as a spirit with the people that love them on earth, go on to the next plain of existence ("heaven"), or come back to earth in another physical form. She believes that there is no punishment in the next life unless they choose that for themselves. Maybe they've done some things and feel unworthy of the peace that awaits us. She doesn't believe there is a heaven and a hell, just a different existence after life here on earth.
    Don't think for a moment that your angel is in a bad place. I don't think there is any faith or religion that would say that the spirit of an infant would go into darkness.
    Shirley's a really warm, spiritual, open person and I really admire her. We were walking and talking in the coulees the other day and I was telling her how great this blog is and how well you write. She said that you should take what you write here and put it into a book (when you're ready) so that other women with your experience might be able to express their feelings better, have a better understanding of the grieving process, know they're not alone.
    Let it rattle around your brain for a while. There may come a time when it seems like a good idea.

  3. The Bible is proven time and again to be historically accurate. It is also an accurate account of who God is. Therefore, whenever people would ask me where our son Daniel went when he died, I recount the story of King David's infant son.
    King David had sex with someone else's wife. When he found out that she was pregnant and everyone would know it wasn't by the father who was fingthing with the Israeli army, he had her husband killed so he could marry her. God warned him that the baby would die. King David still humbled himself and prayed until he found out that the baby had died. What he said about his son then is strength for me and my son. I hope this causes you to rejoice as to where your daughter truly is.
    King David said, "Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him but he shall not return to me." (Samuel 2 12:23b)

    The baby was not given extreme unction, did not get baptised and did not make a proffession of faith. Yet David, the one the bible says was "after God's own heart", knew God well enough to know how gracious He is.
    He knew that his baby boy was with God.

    King David was old enough to make a choice and God's grace allows us a choice. God's grace also holds dear those who were naver able to make the choice.

    I know where my baby, Daniel Ephraim, is. I know his soul is safe forever with God. I also know that I will reunite with Daniel some day.
    I know that because Romans 10: 9 and 10 says, "...If you confess with your your mouth the Lord Jesus Christ and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved. For with the heart one believes to righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made to righteousness." And i beleive the Bible when it says, "by faith are you justified and that not of works. It is a gift of God lest anyone should boast."
    So for me, I know that God has paid a price for my sins and gave up His own son. I personally know that great pain. I get teary tinking of how much love for me could bring God to sacrifice His Son for me and then adopt me so that I might some day go to heaven with Him.
    My son, Daniel, lives now with no pain in the midst of the God who loved us all this much.
    My family has survived and tackled grief these eight years without our precious tiny boy, Daniel, with the precious hope that those who have simply confessed and belived as stated in Romans 10 will see Daniel and all the precious little babies and those unable to mentally understand the depravity of their sins at the time they died.
    My nose is runny now, but I live daily in that joy. May God increase your understanding to conceive of such joy as comes with the FACT that Alexandra is with God.

    In His Grip Always,

  4. I believe that we all go back to the Other Side when we die. We are not left in limbo, and I do not believe only certain religions will be "admitted to heaven". We all do. I know you are sick and tired of hearing this, but I am so so so sorry about your sweet and beautiful baby girl. I can't even imagine the grief you are experiencing. I have had 4 first trimester losses, and my dad died a few years ago which caused me so much anguish. I can only imagine your main is what mine was, but a thousand times worse.
    When my dad died it crushed me beyond belief. What helped me so much were three books written by George Anderson, a medium who (claims) he can speak with those who have passed on. He does readings too and I plan to go to him one day for one. Anderson was the one thing that got me through the dark, dark months.

    I hope you read his books, honestly, they brought me so much peace.