April 29, 2010

Thursday.
It was early, I didn't know what time exactly, but pain woke me up. It was a contraction. I waited until a few had passed and then called in the nurse. She told me to push the button to give myself some more pain killers through the epidural. I did, and she promised to come back in ten minutes to see how I was. The drugs weren't helping, I was dozing in between contractions when the nurse came back. She had me push the button again...still nothing. She had gone again and I was dozing again when I felt a popping sensation and realized it was my water breaking. I called the nurse back again.
Before I knew it, the pain was almost too much to handle. The nurse told me at that time that sometimes the pills they had given me worked too fast for the epidural to keep up with...I wondered why she hadn't told me before that. It was only minutes and the doctor wasn't even in the room yet, when I felt the need to push. The doctor arrived and I told her I need to push. She asked that I wait...how could I wait? The need was so strong. After what seemed like forever, she told me to go ahead and push and within 5 pushes, baby Alexandra was born.
It was such a strange moment for me. It wasn't a happy moment, but to be able to hold my angel gave me a sense of peace that I hadn't had since finding out the news.
We had struggled over the idea of having an autopsy done on our angel. This was one thing they wanted to know...what would we do...we didn't know. In the end we didn't have to make that decision. Unlike 90% of parents that lose a child before birth, we had an answer as to what happened to our little girl. He umbilical cord was not only wrapped around her neck, but it also had a knot in it. They tell me there is nothing that could have been done, but I wonder...if only I had known and gone in sooner, perhaps she could have been saved. And the thing that haunts me the most, she had her air and food supply cut off...how long before she passed? Did she suffer? Was my little girl suffering so close to me and I didn't even know? Was she struggling and needing my help and I was oblivious? Those questions kill me.
Little Alexandra Elizabeth Monique was born, shortly before 6am on Thursday, April 29, 2010. She was nearly 21 inches long, 6lbs 8ozs. She had wavy black hair, the most perfect nose I have ever seen and her daddy's lips. She was absolutely beautiful. We spent the morning with her. We held her, sang to her, talked to her, bathed her and cried over her. We took pictures, got her hand and foot prints and a lock of her hair. It was a time I doubt I will ever find words to properly describe.
Deciding when to say goodbye was the hardest part. Steve asked "When to you want to say goodbye?" and I answered "Never" to which he replied "Me neither"
When we were finally able to let her go they took her away and we cried...It was the hardest goodbye.
We went home shortly after that. Steve dropped me off before picking up our son. I was sore, exhausted and broken. It was the middle of the day and I fell asleep...I never nap, but this day, I was overwhelmed and had to cope by sleeping.
That night, Steve and Dayne and the dog and I all slept in our bed together. It was another night of not too much sleep for me, but the sleep I did get was dark and dreamless, something I welcomed.
I heard a lot in those few days that women and men grieve differently. That I should not get upset with Steve if he responds differently...I have not experienced this. Steve has not only been on the same page as me throughout this entire experience, but he has been there to finish my sentences, hug me and take my hand and just the right time and share my tears. He has been my rock, his strength was the only thing holding me together many times.