May 16, 2010

Today was my due date. I don't know if I would have had my little Alexandra today. I imagine I would have had her a few days ago. Instead I have an empty place in my heart.
We went to visit our angel today. We first stopped to get her a new toy. A pink bunny rabbit. When we arrived at the cemetery we were saddened to find the little pink pig we left earlier in the week, was gone. Steve searched around the cemetery for it. We  can't bring ourselves to believe that someone would steal it. He didn't find it, and there was no sign that any other toys had blown away from other graves, so we were really unsure about what could have gone on. As I sat there looking at the ground I realized all of the jack rabbit droppings. I thought about my sister's bunny at that time and how he carries around his little stuffed bunny and I realized that it is VERY possible the pig was stolen by a jack rabbit. I have chosen to think that Alexandra was ok with sharing that little piggy with the rabbits because she has her special teddy bear in her casket with her.
I had some time to myself at the cemetery while Steve played with Dayne, so I got to sit alone, quietly with my daughter. I wish that I could tell her everything I expected to tell her as she grew. How great her brother is and all the funny little things he says and does. How fantastic her daddy is and what a good man he is. How we have grown together over the years. I wish I could teach her everything I imagined teaching my daughter. I wish she was here with me right now.
We left the pink bunny with some clumps of dirt on it's legs so hopefully it won't be taken by a mischievous bunny rabbit. Of course, it's bigger, so it's probably safe anyway. Before we left I told Alexandra that I loved, I said goodbye and what seemed like too soon, I left.