May 6, 2010

Thursday.
It's been a week since I delivered an angel. At this time last Thursday I was holding my baby, crying.
It will take an emergency to get me out of my house today. I can feel the tears, just waiting to over flow. I don't want to see people or talk to people. I just want to be left alone today. To hold Dayne and be held by Steve. To cuddle with my dog.
I don't want to share my grief today, I don't want to hide it or mask it for anyone, I just want to be.
It isn't even noon yet and I already feel like it's been a long day. I want to sleep.
Today is the Mother's Day Tea at Dayne's school. I had already let them know he wouldn't be coming to school today. I couldn't possibly handle that. The pink eye makes me feel a lot better about the whole thing. I don't have the guilt because Dayne couldn't go to school today anyway. I wonder if the guilt will ever go away. I feel guilty about a lot of things. About not being totally present for Dayne right now, about Alexandra, about inflicting my pain onto other people.
My guilt over my loss is something I try very hard to suppress. Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault that we lost Alexandra. It's easy for everyone to say that, but my feelings are not the same. I am glad to have a place to go and get these feelings out without hearing someone tell me that it's not my fault...I've already heard that, and it really doesn't help me to work through these feelings, just makes me feel like I can't express them.
Getting my feelings out in this blog has been helpful so far. I feel like I have to go back and add to the posts, I remember things that happened that I didn't add and don't want to forget. I will be adding those memories as I have them.
I plan to continue to write too, as long as I can...as long as I need to. I have had people tell me that they don't know how I could possibly be writing at such a hard time. They couldn't do it...they wouldn't be able to write if they were going through what we are going through. I probably would have thought the same thing a few weeks ago. Nobody knows how they will cope with such a loss...I wish I never had to find out how I would cope with this.