May 29, 2010

It's been a month today, since I delivered my daughter. A month. I can't decide if this is a long time or an incredibly short time. Either way, I don't feel any better than I felt that day. My days and weeks are not getting any easier. My life is not carrying on as usual, it's not getting back into a routine. I'M not getting back into a routine.
I am still hurting. That same amount of pain as the very first day they told me my daughter was gone. The same amount of pain as the day I delivered my daughter, the day I chose her burial clothes, the day I said my last goodbye and watched them lower her casket into the ground. The pain is not better, it's not less, it's the same.
Today I wore a mask of normality while we went for lunch with my family. No one said anything about what day it was and I wondered if they knew. Did they remember what happened exactly a month ago? Probably not. It's not as much on everyone else's mind as it is on mine.
When we came home I sat here. I cleaned a bit, I watched some TV, I did some laundry. Finally, I asked Steve if we could go to the cemetery. I felt like that's where I needed to be. It's cold, it's snowy, and no one in their right mind would want to be out in this. But that's just it, isnt' it? I am not in my right mind. I am trapped in the mind of a mother who is without her child.
Of course Steve agreed. He always agrees to take me there. I went to the basement and found one of my old teddy bears. It has magnets in it's hands. The point is for it to hold onto a card. It wore a hat like a mailman. The bear always looked to me, like it was praying. I ripped the hat off the bear and replaced it with the hat that Alexandra was supposed to wear home from the hospital. I put the matching sleeper that she was supposed to wear home on the bear as well. It fit perfectly.
We went to the cemetery and I left it there for her. It was way too chilly for us to stay for a long time, but I had my few minutes to reflect and leave the bear. When it was time to go, I told my angel that I loved her and I said goodbye. Once we arrived home, I felt a little bit more peace than I had all day. I can't help but think that my little angel is trying to help me feel peace. She knows that her mommy is hurting for her and she is trying to help. This is what I have to believe or that tiny bit of peace will leave me and I will be left in that place that I have become all too familiar with this past month. Pain, hurt, sorrow and desperation.