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Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day...

When Dayne woke up this morning I had no interest in getting up. I commented to him that Mommy shouldn't have to get up today, so he decided to cuddle with me in bed for a while instead. My remark caused Steve to remember what today was and he told me to stay in bed, he would go pick up breakfast from where ever I wanted. I didn't know...I asked Dayne what he wanted and he asked for pancakes and chocolate milk from McDonald' McDonald's it was.
When Steve asked me what I wanted I thought about the burritos...a memory came to the surface of my step-dad and I eating breakfast at McDonald's before Christmas. I was craving the burritos. The memory was so vivid. I recalled where we sat, what we talked about, even what I had read in the paper. The memory quickly became a trigger and I began to cry...over burritos from McDonald's.
I never realize what will trigger me before it happens. It's so quick and it's so off the wall. The things I would expect to cause me pain and upset get more of a numb reaction and random things spark a memory that sends me over the edge. I wonder if I try to numb any reaction I have, will that stop the tears from coming at any odd time? But then...will I look like a robot? It's probably not healthy...but when will these outbursts stop?
Steve's face...when the thought of breakfast burritos sent me right over the edge, it was a face of confusion and hurt for me at the same time. He didn't understand WHY I was so upset about something to silly, but he didn't seem to need to.
The thought that today I am especially sensitive is causing me to think I should not go out and "celebrate" Mother's Day with my family. I would much rather get a nice little toy and stop by the cemetery. I imagine that there will be lots of moms there today though, so the decision about when to go is floating around my mind. Is it best to go later in the evening...I don't know anything about cemetery etiquette...I wish I never had to learn about it.
Picking this up where I started this morning...I decided to go and have coffee with my family. It was a reasonably nice escape, though it was still difficult. We came back home to relax and my head began to throb. My stomach hurts as well, though I know I'm not coming down with anything...I'm not getting sick, I imagine it's just stress...and possibly a lack of sleep.
We've ordered out for dinner. Burgers and fries from Swiss Chalet...and blueberry pie for dessert. Normally I'd be excited, but I don't really feel hungry...Eating for show, I think. After dinner we're going to go see Alexandra. I'm going to leave a little pink pig at her was a gift and I think she will like it there.
I'm hurting today, because on Mother's Day, my belly is empty and so are my arms.

1 comment:

  1. I just wanted to let you know you've been in my heart and in my thoughts all day. ***hugs***