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Sunday, May 2, 2010

April 30, 2010

"If I could wish on a shooting star, I would wish that I could fly, so I could fly into the sky and visit my baby sister."

I woke up early. Sleep doesn't come easily these days. I sat in bed, unthinkingly checking my email. I had decided to send my family an email, letting them know what was going on. Most already knew, but it seemed important that I let them know myself. This was the bit of down time we would have for the day. It was going to be a busy day. There would be no time to sit and stare at the wall, no time to drown in self pity.
Before I was ready, it was time to get up and shower. We had to drop Dayne off at my sister's house, once again. We had to pick the clothes our daughter would be buried in, to choose her burial site and meet with the funeral home. These arrangements that couldn't wait...It would be another difficult day.
After dropping off Dayne we headed to the mall. We found the outfit in the first store we went in. It was a beautiful little white dress. It was simple, but elegant with a crinoline. We chose an equally simple and elegant white cardigan to go over the dress. To match, we went with white, frilly socks and a white sunhat. When we found it, we knew that was it and we both cried a little bit. I'm sure it looked strange to those around us, but we were lost in our own moment at that time. The shoes we chose were baptismal shoes. White with ribbon that laced up and little crosses on top. Steve chose them.
Once the outfit was chosen we went and picked out the blanket. When I was pregnant my sister in law had bought the baby a blanket. It matched the nursery, was pink and brown and so soft and warm. We took that blanket to the hospital with us, for pictures and to wrap the baby because I wanted her to use her blanket. I couldn't bare to part with that blanket, but we bought a matching one for her to be buried in, along with a pink and brown teddy bear.
The last thing was the pendant. Steve wanted her to have a pendant and I agreed, it was a sweet idea. When we finally found one, it seemed meant to be. It was identical to a pendant my sister had bought our son, only smaller. It was perfect and we bought it.
We also chose some pictures to put in the casket, so she would have us with her always.
We made it to the cemetery early and were seen right away. We went to the children's area, fittingly called Storybook Garden. Seeing all the graves of babies broke my heart. Why do so many children have to pass away? It just doesn't seem fair.
We chose her burial plot...close to the park. And we stood there for a few minutes, looking at the place our precious little girl would spend eternity. It was horrible. Ridiculous things crossed my mind. Would she be cold? Would she be lonely? How could we carry on every day with our baby all alone there?
It was later that day that I found out that my grandfather is buried in the same cemetery, close to the children's area. She will have her great-grandfather near by, to keep her company.
We left the cemetery and headed to the funeral home. There, we chose Alexandra's casket. It's light pink, with pink bows, that are just a little bit brighter, the inside is white. There are handles on it, but they remind of the handles on a Moses's much like her outfit, simple and elegant. We also chose her flowers. Pink roses in the shape of a rosary. It's also simple and elegant, it's very pretty and adds a touch of me...I love plays on words...I feel inappropriate saying that, but it's true, I felt like she would be able to have that to smile about for a little while.
After we made the arrangements and set the date for her burial we were able to leave.
We got our son and went home. I was sore and tired and glad to be home.
We set up plans for the next day, to get our clothes for the funeral. I hoped that it wouldn't be as hard as choosing Alexandra's outfit.
Sleep came easily that night, but didn't last. 1:30 is the most difficult time, I don't know why...

1 comment:

  1. Your story breaks my heart. I have never gone through this myself, the closest i ever came was a first trimester miscarriage, which i don't think can possibly compare to this. I am so sorry for your incredible loss, and you are so brave. So amazingly brave.