May 7, 2010

Friday.
Steve went back to work today. I have a bit of separation anxiety, I was sad that he had to go. We can't go out because of Dayne's pink eye, so I am stuck here, all alone with Dayne, the dog...and my thoughts. These last few days have been really hard for me. The things I used to do when I was trying to kill time or take my mind off of things are all related to children and I don't want to see other people's babies or hear about their pregnancies. I feel horrible about not wanting to hear these things. I feel like a horrible friend for not wanting to hear about babies just born or the latest pregnancy stuff. I want to be there for my friends, but it's too hard.
I plan to go visit Alexandra, once Steve is done work. I also plan to make dinner tonight...a real dinner, not the easy to make, just throw in the oven stuff that I've been making since we got home from the hospital. Yesterday I filled my time with household chores, I did the laundry and put it all away, I cleaned the kitchen and living room, I did the dishes, I puttered around, putting things away that needed to be put away. It was mindless and I needed it. I finished a book that my Uncle sent me. I had brought it to the hospital with me but really didn't read too much of it there. It has helped kill some time since then though.
I received something in the mail today. The dog started barking, his mailman bark. He hates the mailman. The neighbors dog hates him too. I have never seen my dog respond to anyone in the way he does to the poor mailman. He goes absolutely crazy, I have to wonder what he would do if he was allowed out around the time the mail came.
When the doorbell rang, the dog's bark became more urgent. I wondered why the mailman was ringing the doorbell...he had a package for me to sign for. I was curious, I wasn't expecting anything. I brought the box inside, with no incident between the dog and the mailman. And opened it up. It was from a friend I had met online. We met on a debate board on a parenting website. She was funny and outspoken and we became quick friends. She had sent me a bracelet with Alexandra's name and birth date, and the words "Always & Forever" engraved on it. I was so touched and immediately began to cry. I have something to wear now, every day, to keep Alexandra closer to me.
I don't know if she's reading this, but if she is...Thank You. You made a difficult day, just slightly better, no easy task.
I should add that I have received flowers, fruit and cards from so many people. Anytime the doorbell rings or I get an envelope in the mail and it's something from a well-wisher, my heart is touched. I am saddened that I am receiving these things, but it brings a ray of sunlight into my sadness. It's nice to know that I'm not alone, that there are people close to me that care and are thinking of us. That my angel is not forgotten, people are praying for her and thinking of her, that is so important to me.