May 10, 2010

Monday.
This day is not working out the way I had planned. I told myself it would be a better day today. Steve woke me up getting ready for work, right as I was having a good sleep. He woke up Dayne as well. So, I got up and got Dayne something to eat.
I don't really know what I was doing all morning, it was a whole lot of nothing, that's for sure. We had plans to go to Dayne's school for a tour at 6:30, but nothing before that. I planned to go to the cemetery after the tour and visit with Alexandra. I would go every day if I could.
I did the laundry and cleaned up a bit, to keep myself busy. It's hard to not call Steve all the time while he's working. I feel very lonely these days. I don't want to visit with people, but I don't want to be here all alone either. I suppose I am not technically alone, Dayne is here and we play, but it's not the kind of company I am missing.
I emailed the RESP guy. I had called and let him know that we wanted to open an RESP for our daughter...he had called and left a message to set up an appointment and I had to tell him that our daughter would not be needing an education fund because she will never get to go to school. She will never get to experience any of that.
Sending that email was easier for me than having to call about my maternity leave. I had to actually talk to someone then, and it was almost impossible to stay composed.
At about 3:30 Steve called. He told me that he would be working later than he thought and wouldn't be home in time to go on the tour. Well, that was that I guess. We didn't need to go to the tour, but we both thought it would be good. I wasn't going to go alone, I didn't want to. Steve told me that he wouldn't make it home in time to go to the cemetery before Dayne's bedtime either. I was looking forward to going and it stung that I wouldn't be able to visit my angel today.
Worse was that Steve told me that it would be another long day tomorrow...so nonchalant, as he said it. Doesn't he know that I need him here with me? I know he has to work...It's not fair to be so upset about it, but I can't help it. Why am I getting so clingy?
The thought also occurred to me that tomorrow I would have to get Dayne to school. I don't want to go to his school. I don't want to see parents and kids...I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to be around people...especially people that know what happened...and everyone knows. And the trigger for today...After I drop Dayne off, I will have to take the bus home. I will have to walk from the bus stop to my house. The last time I did this was the Thursday before Alexandra passed away. The thought of taking that walk again...I don't want to do it. I don't want to have that memory running through my head. I don't want to look ridiculous crying from the bus stop all the way home. I don't want to. They hurt too much, the memories.