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Saturday, May 8, 2010

My Random Thoughts

I keep having these thoughts that I want to remember, so I'm going to start posting them now.
Alexandra's name - When we found out we were having a girl, the name debate was on. I loved the name Anneliese...I don't know why, I just love it. I have a lot of strange names that I love and Steve normally doesn't. As long as I can remember, Steve has always said, if he had a daughter, he wanted her to be named Alexandra. It's a beautiful name, but I wasn't willing to give up Anneliese!
After a little while of not really talking about it, I had a moment where the thought crossed my mind that, Steve loves this name, he has loved the name and wanted the name for his daughter forever, was I THAT attached to Anneliese? I really wasn't. So, I told Steve that we would use the name Alexandra under one condition. When she was little and couldn't choose her own nickname, if anyone wanted to shorten her name, they would be told to call her Lexi, NOT Alex. He agreed and that was that.
Her middle names are the most important to me. Elizabeth Monique. Elizabeth is Steve's grandmother and Monique is my grandmother. It was important to me to have my Grandma's name in my daughter's name. She has been an important part of my life and not only did I want to honor that, but I also thought this was a great tradition to start.
When I asked my Grandma if we could use her name, she was truly touched. I can't be sure, but I believe she may have cried a little bit. It made me happy to know that it meant so much to her. One thing that has been very difficult for me is knowing that my grandma won't have this living honor. Alexandra still has the name, we made it a priority to make sure that her middle names were on everything, so that people would know, because it's important. But it still hurts.

I also wanted to comment on my disbelief that I would have a daughter. I didn't believe it. I didn't think I could even have baby girls. When we found out, the ultrasound technician was as sure as she could be. She told us that the baby had her legs wide open and it wasn't that she couldn't see boy parts, the baby had girl parts. I was skeptical through my entire pregnancy. I told Steve we should pick a boy name still because I wouldn't be surprised if the baby came out a boy. I felt this way until the last week. At my last appointment I asked what the chances were that the ultrasound was wrong and the doctor said it was very low. At that time, my thoughts about the baby coming out a boy left me...and when I delivered my daughter, I never even thought to ask or double check...I just knew. If I ever have a child again, I believe it will be a boy. I would not have been upset about having a boy, I would not be upset if I had a boy in the future, but as sad as it is, I believe I will never have a living daughter. Perhaps I am not meant to raise a daughter.

I don't know if we will ever have a another child. Steve and I agree that neither of us could live through something like this again. The doctor's say it's almost impossible, but we just aren't sure. We discussed this because I had planned on getting a tubal after having this baby. When we found out she was gone I told Steve that I couldn't do it. I wanted to wait and he agreed that this was the best idea. We're giving ourselves time to make this decision. I don't want to regret anything and neither does Steve. We have a lot to work through before we can decide if we will ever try again, but right now, we have set aside making a decision either way, until we are both done healing.

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