May 4, 2010

Tuesday.
A week had gone by since we found out about our baby. I had not slept well and I got up fairly early, before Dayne and Steve...even before the dog. I took a long shower. It was nice to have the time to myself. It seemed so odd to me that, now that everything was done for Alexandra, we were just supposed to carry on as if life was back to normal. How could anything ever be normal again?
After my alone time I got Dayne up. He had school today and had a play date after school with his cousin. I got him dressed and sat with him while he ate his breakfast. We chatted about what he would be doing and what he would play at his Auntie's house. He was in a good mood and it took my mind off my worry about Alexandra's rosary...if only for a few minutes.
My sister picked Dayne up. Neither Steve, nor I, wanted to take him to school. Everyone at the school knew what had happened and we didn't want to deal with the faces and the apologies and condolences. We are both very grateful for all the thoughts and prayers, and for everyone that has shared their condolences, we truly are, but after a while, you just want people to keep the sad thoughts to themselves. Of course, I doubt people know that, by just trying to say something kind, they trigger the inner sadness that we are working hard to keep out of the every day things that have to get done.
Once Dayne was gone, I sat in bed for a little while. I asked Steve if we could go to Alexandra's grave and check on the rosary and, of course, he said yes. So, once we were both all ready to go, we headed over to the cemetery. When we arrived I was relieved to find the rosary, right on top of the grave, where it should be. Steve used some clumps of hard dirt to hold it down...not the most beautiful fix, but it would keep the thoughts of the wind taking our angels rosary out of our minds.
We stood at the grave for a few moments. Silent. I cried. I'm not sure if Steve cried, though I'm sure he probably did. When we left I wondered if I should say goodbye. I didn't say it out loud, but I thought the word, along with "I love you" and I imagined that Alexandra could hear it, even if it wasn't spoken.
We had to get groceries...Nothing seems appetizing to me. I eat, only because I know I have to eat. I am a person that loved food and I loved to eat, but there was no joy in tasting new things, or eating my old favorites. I wonder if I will ever enjoy eating or the taste of food again.
Once the grocery shopping was finished we headed home and watched the snow fall. Snow in May. My Grandma said Mother Nature was crying.
When Dayne came home we ate supper and Steve played Ninja Turtles on the Wii with Dayne until bed time.
I went to bed early again. I slept for a long time. I woke up at the usual, 1:30, but didn't stay awake for too long. I know I dreamed, but they escaped my memory as I woke up.