May 5, 2010

Wednesday.
Things are getting harder. I hated all the errands and all the running around we had to do, I thought I wanted some time to sit and stare and not be out. Now, I have nothing to do for Alexandra and it hurts...a lot.
I got up and got Dayne breakfast and quickly crawled back into bed. I'd been spending a lot of my time at home in bed, I was neglecting things. My intention was to stay in bed, to shower late, and to wear my sweats all day. Dayne had woken up with a goopy eye though, so my plans for the day didn't pan out. I did shower late and I did stay in bed for several hours, reading to Dayne and cuddling. His eye got worse as the morning went on though, so by early afternoon it was obvious to us that he had to go to the doctor.
Of course, it would be our luck that after everything we've been through, Dayne gets pink eye...really horrible pink eye. We had to fight with him for hours to get the drops in. His eye was swollen and when he would close it tightly we couldn't get it open. It was a long fight and I felt like I was pushed so far by sadness for Dayne and frustration that I had to shut down. When Steve took a break from the fight to step outside with the dog, I sat down and leaned forward, laying very close to Dayne. I asked him about the show on TV and as he looked and began to talk I put the drop in his eye. He was mad that I had tricked him, but seemed relieved. His struggle with the drops was purely fear, he wants the drops in, but he's scared. This fight was exhausting and it hurt my heart.
Throughout the day I felt withdrawn, deeply sad. I wondered when the pain would ease. When it would stop just enough that I could breath...Would that ever happen?