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Saturday, May 1, 2010


In September 2009 I started feeling ill. I told my fiance, either I have the swine flu, or I am pregnant. We were both excited. We felt that this was the perfect time to have another child. Our son had just turned 4, we felt he was ready for a sibling and would make the best big brother.
I had an ultrasound to determine my dates and were told our baby would be born in mid May. At my 18 week ultra sound we were told we were having a little girl. Our first daughter. I cannot really put into words how excited I was. I was expecting another boy and I was ok with that, but I secretly hoped for a little girl, to round off our family. And here I was, getting my wish.
I could barely contain myself, I was slightly skeptical, but still on the hunt for everything pink. And because I love the two colors together, our baby's room quickly became a place filled with everything pink and chocolate brown.
I remember the day I found the bassinet. It was pink and brown and frilly and beautiful. My fiance (Steve) had told me not to look for anything yet. He wanted me to wait...but I couldn't. I looked online every day at baby stuff. I registered at Babies R Us the very same day I found out I was having a girl. When I saw that bassinet, I knew it was the one. I begged Steve for it. I promised to not look at anything else until he felt it was time. He knew I wouldn't keep that promise, but he went and got me that bassinet anyway.
Eventually that happened for a lot of things. The stroller, the swing, the crib...I kept asking and he kept giving in. Secretly, he was just as excited as I was.
My pregnancy wasn't all fun though. I was sick. So sick that I stopped working quite early on. When I started having pains under my belly, before I even had a belly I was told I had round ligament pain. I had to wear a support belt. Later, when my back began to hurt and send shooting pains into my leg, I was told the baby was pushing on my sciatic nerve. And when I went in to labor and delivery for horrible pains, that later turned into an awful crunching and grinding in my pelvis, I was informed I had symphysis pubis dysfunction. I was pretty much in pain non stop, 24 hours a day. I was excruciating to roll over in bed, it hurt to walk, it hurt to sit, stand, lay down. It was never ending. I commented a million times on how this was the worst pregnancy ever...I wish I could take those words back. I would happily have all those pains again, if it meant I would have my daughter here with me right now. I would take all that pain a million times worse, if it meant I could have my daughter back.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry. I feel the same way. My pregnancy was very painful and I complained all the time. I lost my baby a little over 3 weeks ago, and I wish I could take every complaint back. I know how you feel, I would go through those pains a million times plus more if it meant I could have her here with me.