May 1, 2010

Saturday.
Our neighbor was having a garage sale. Steve went over pretty early, right when they started. I took my time getting ready, knowing we had a lot to do, but not wanting to. I hadn't slept much again. I was still really sore and still, sleep wasn't coming to me. When I did sleep, it started as a dark sleep, no dreams, and not really restful, the sleep of someone who is purely exhausted. It always ended around 1:30am and from that point on I would doze in and out thinking about things and watching TV to keep my mind numb.
After checking the garage sale and allowing my son to get all the toys he wanted, we had to start our day. We went to the mall to find our clothes for the funeral. I was afraid that it would be too hard. I am fairly certain I looked an absolute mess, but I didn't care. I checked a few stores for Dayne's outfit and came up empty handed. It was the wrong time of year for dress shirts and ties. So, I gave up for the moment and had Steve take Dayne to Tip Top with him while I hunted for my own outift.
I only went to two stores before finding what I would wear. A black peasant style skirt that fell all the way to the floor with a black top that was really flowy. The shirt had no sleeves so I got one of those wraps with the sleeves. It was frumpy, which was perfect.
Steve and Dayne had both come up with nothing, so we headed to wal-mart to buy Dayne's soccer socks. An every day errand, crammed in with the worst errands we had ever run...It was so strange. While we were at wal-mart we lucked across some black dress pants for Dayne.
I was so tired by this point that I welcomed the ride home and my bed when we arrived. We sat in bed and watched Spiderman. Steve and Dayne both fell asleep half way through it, I did not. I still had a lot of stuff to do.
I had to tidy the house. We had the celebrant coming over in the morning to talk about the burial and I didn't want her to arrive at a messy house. I also had to dye my hair. I had gotten my hair done at the beginning of August, it was a birthday present from Steve. I found out in September that I was pregnant, so I hadn't dyed my hair since...I wanted to look pretty...I wanted Alexandra to look down on her Mama and think that she looked beautiful...It might seem dumb to some people, but it was important to me.
When my hair was dyed and my house was clean I was finally able to lay down. Sleep came the way it had been and I knew that Sunday held more of the same errands.
I woke up at my familiar time and got up and sat in the rocking chair that Steve had brought up for the baby, and I cried.