May 2, 2010

Sunday.
I had set the alarm for 7:30, just in case, for some odd reason, I had actually been sleeping. I wanted lots of time to prepare myself for when the celebrant came. For some reason I thought if I prepared myself and cried before she arrived, I would be able to stay composed while she was here.
I got up and got myself ready and got Dayne some breakfast. I woke Steve up and finished getting ready while he was in the shower. We locked the dog up just in time for the celebrant arrived. She asked us a lot of questions about our hopes and dreams for Alexandra, about where her name came from, who her family was, what we liked to do, etc. It was hard, but I kept myself together.
She asked about Alexandra's room and we invited her to take a look. I had closed the door when we arrived home on Tuesday and I had not gone in there since. I hadn't planned to go in there any time soon, but I wanted the celebrant to see how great her room was. How she had pink and brown lady bugs as decorations and a dresser full of cute little dresses. How she wasn't just a baby, she was loved and wanted and we were ready for her.
I stepped into the room and as she was asking me questions I started to look around...That bassinet...That perfect, pink and brown bassinet. The crib, already made with it's little lady bug comforter, the swing, stroller, carseat, boppy and her closet full of little coats. It all became too much and my plan to stay composed failed me. I broke down.
It's so embarrassing to me, to cry in front of other people. They give you that look...that pity look...I hate that look. And with the look comes the tone, that pathetic, pitiful tone, and of course, then comes the apology "I'm so, so sorry" Yeah, me too.
The celebrant was really great, she truly was. She was thoughtful and kind and very relatable. I liked her a lot and I was glad that she was the one that would be speaking at the burial. I knew she would do a great job.
After she left, I just wanted to crawl back in to bed...and I tried to. But too soon we had to run out. Luckily it was a quick errand. We found a sweater for Dayne at the first store we went into. I enjoy dressing Dayne up. I like it when he looks sharp, and he likes to dress up...or maybe he knows it makes me happy when he dresses up.
Steve had found his suit, unfortunately we had to pick it up in the morning before the burial, just another thing to rush around and do.
After we came home we all just spent time together. We talked to Dayne about what would happen the next day and he had a bath and all cuddled. It should have been a nice, happy night, but there was a cloud over it.