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Saturday, May 15, 2010

I Want To Know Why

I just want to know why I have to visit my daughter in the cemetery. Why is my quality time with her sitting there by her grave, staring at a mound of dirt. Why don't I get to hold her and look into her eyes? I never got to see her eyes. Why don't I get to watch her grow up, to see her laugh, to take care of skinned knees and broken hearts? Why? Why do I have to miss out on her first word, her first steps, her first birthday...her first everything.
It's not fair that I don't get my daughter. It's not fair and I don't understand why this happened to us. I wake up every day and the thought flutters through my mind that maybe it was all one bad dream...but it's not. This nightmare is my reality and I don't understand why.
I can't help but ask what we did to deserve this. Why has our karma rewarded us in such a horrible way? We are not bad people. We don't deserve this, we just don't.
I had hopes and dreams for my daughter.


  1. I have some thoughts on this and it has nothing to do with who you are as people, in fact I think it shows how much trust God has in you as people in order to deal with this. I won't share my thoughts about it though unless you ask because sometimes it's just nice to vent frustrations and not find solutions yet. When you are ready though you can email me. I will tell you that Alexandra must be a very special little spirit, just as my Jacob is. And you're right sometimes life seems so very unfair. It's normal to feel this, we are human.

  2. You did nothing to deserve this. It's good to get those feelings off your chest though. I can't tell you how many angry, tearful prayers I prayed asking God why He was punishing us, what we did to deserve it. I think that's a normal part of grief. Everyone who goes through this does it. It's okay to feel that way and it's okay to ask why, and it's okay to think that it sucks and it's unfair. It does, and it is.

    Hang in there, Melissa. The night will pass. If you ever need to talk there are a bunch of us who love you and are here for you when you need us.