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Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween?

Oh how I am struggling right now. I feel like I have nowhere safe to land right now. I feel like nobody understands what I am feeling right now, people think that I should be in such a better place by now, and I will never admit to them that I'm not. I feel like I am in a different kind of situation, I have lost Alexandra and it hurts me every single day and I desperately want to have another baby, but can't right now. Where do I got to talk about this stress? Who do I tell? My loss support can't be there for me about my need for another child and my regular friends can't understand the complexities of wanting another child after such a profound loss.
I feel alone.
I miss Alexandra more than words can express.
I am hurting so much more today. Halloween...this is my favorite holiday, I LOVE dressing Dayne up and taking him out. I love the idea of Halloween, the history, the stories, the scary stuff, I love it all.
Alexandra would have been little still, too little to trick or treat, but she would have been dressed up anyway, while we took Dayne out.
Dayne is being Beast from Beauty and the Beast and Alexandra would have been something super cute and girly. I would have first thought to dress her up as Belle, so they match, how cute, right? Then I would have rethought it and decided that it was weird since they're brother and sister and Belle and Beast get married, so I would have chosen something else.
And it's HARD to see the cute little girl costumes. And it's going to be so HARD to see all the cute little girls dressed up tonight.
Alexandra should be six months old and I don't have her here with me and it's so hard. It's just hurts too much and it's not fair.

1 comment:

  1. Can I ask (without being hurtful) why you can't have another baby? I'm curious why you feel that way or what the circumstances are. I also wanted to say, that while I've never experienced that kind of loss and could never imagine how it feels, I do know other women who have and they said they felt the same way and many did try to have another baby within the first year (or less) after their loss. So I don't think you should feel bad or guilty about that desire - it does not negate the love you feel for your daughter or the pain of her loss. I'm sure today is horrible and that the coming months, with all the family-centric holidays will he even worse. You are in my thoughts and in my heart.