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Sunday, October 31, 2010

A Halloween Gift...

I did not make this or take the picture. This is from another angel mommy, but she gave me permission to share it with you all.
So, for all of our angels, Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween?

Oh how I am struggling right now. I feel like I have nowhere safe to land right now. I feel like nobody understands what I am feeling right now, people think that I should be in such a better place by now, and I will never admit to them that I'm not. I feel like I am in a different kind of situation, I have lost Alexandra and it hurts me every single day and I desperately want to have another baby, but can't right now. Where do I got to talk about this stress? Who do I tell? My loss support can't be there for me about my need for another child and my regular friends can't understand the complexities of wanting another child after such a profound loss.
I feel alone.
I miss Alexandra more than words can express.
I am hurting so much more today. Halloween...this is my favorite holiday, I LOVE dressing Dayne up and taking him out. I love the idea of Halloween, the history, the stories, the scary stuff, I love it all.
Alexandra would have been little still, too little to trick or treat, but she would have been dressed up anyway, while we took Dayne out.
Dayne is being Beast from Beauty and the Beast and Alexandra would have been something super cute and girly. I would have first thought to dress her up as Belle, so they match, how cute, right? Then I would have rethought it and decided that it was weird since they're brother and sister and Belle and Beast get married, so I would have chosen something else.
And it's HARD to see the cute little girl costumes. And it's going to be so HARD to see all the cute little girls dressed up tonight.
Alexandra should be six months old and I don't have her here with me and it's so hard. It's just hurts too much and it's not fair.

Question Twenty Eight

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse

Let's see...In my purse is...My wallet, a few pregnancy and infant loss bracelets, a few packs of seeds (also for pregnancy and infant loss), my camera, Alexandra's treasure beans, gum, keys, a bottle of water, the nintendo DS and several games, a few odd toys and some random spare change and gum wrappers floating around the bottom of my purse.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Question Twenty Seven

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death

I don't really know...I've developed a few bad habits. Avoidance is one...Is that considered a habit? I have this other habit that is brought on by anxiety...which is a new kind of anxiety I have since we lost Alexandra. This anxiety is caused by the thought that people are thinking of poor poor pitiful me, and thinking "things" about how I'm coping (to well, not well enough). It also comes when I am doing something public FOR Alexandra. The habit itself is a series of wrist grabs, palm scratches and arm rubs. Yes, this most likely looks as odd as it sounds. I often don't noticed that I'm doing it, it's like a nervous tick. I start out just holding my hands kind of together and then I will notice that someone has glanced down and I realized that I'm doing this thing (usually in the middle of a palm scratch)
It's pretty hard to REALLY describe, but there it is.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Six Months

When Dayne turned six months old, I had a party. There was cake and we had people over. The cake had clowns on it. I remember that day. I remember thinking, people will think I'm crazy for having a half year birthday, but I just didn't care.
Tomorrow would have been the half year party for Alexandra, it would have worked out perfectly that she would have been 6 months and one day old tomorrow. Her cake would have had girly princess things on it. She wouldn't have eaten any of it, but I would have taken pictures and I would have shared them with everyone. I would have saved those pictures for when she was older and could look at them with me, while I explained to her how sweet she was and what things she liked and didn't like.
Instead, later today we'll stop by the cemetery, I'll sit there and wish my daughter a happy half year. Instead of laughter and hugs, my daughter's half year marker will be filled with tears. I don't get to give my little girl a hug today...or any day. I don't get to share her milestones with people, to talk about how she's doing, to share her smiles and laughs.
Happy Six Month Birthday to my little princess.

Question Twenty Six

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

Well, you will all find my weak fairly boring. Most days are like what I described in yesterdays post, some days have other things thrown in there, I'll some other errands to run while Dayne is at school or I'll go for coffee with my mom and step dad.
Every Thursday I babysit my nephews while my sister is at school. Dayne and I look forward to Thursdays. We always make something fun (yesterday was a gingerbread haunted house!) Dayne gets to play with his cousins and I get to spend some time with my nephews. We have a lot of fun.
Friday is like Monday - Wednesday, and the weekends are slightly more different because Dayne doesn't go to school. Through the summer and fall Steve works a lot, generally seven days a week, so Dayne and I get a lot of time together. In the winter Steve is home a lot more, so we get a lot of family time together. Saturdays Dayne has tae kwon do early in the morning, and then we'll go for coffee or run errands. That is also a day when we will go out with family members, hang out at home or go on an adventure ourselves. Through the summer we usually go to my sister's house to visit with her cats, if she's away camping, we have a nice walk there, stopping at the store and getting some treats and ice cream. In the winter Dayne likes to play outside in the snow, making snow pies for the dog.
Sundays here are a day that I look forward to all week. On Sunday I usually, I'm not looking forward to cleaning my bathroom all week long! But, in the evening, after dinner, once Steve is home from work, we go to the cemetery. We stop at Tim Horton's on the way there and I get some tea, Steve gets a coffee and Dayne gets an iced tea and then I get my few precious moments to sit with my Alexandra. I know that she's wherever I am, I know that, but those few moments in the cemetery mean the world to me. I feel truly connected to her. I tell her I love her, I talk about how silly Steve and Dayne are...I do this thing, right before we leave, Steve will go to the car and I will send Dayne after him and while I bend down and fix her toys (for the 100th time that day) I will say "I love you baby, I miss you" and as I walk away, I always say "goodbye"

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Question Twenty Five

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

My average day is pretty boring. I wake up around 7 - 7:30am and I watch the news while I wait for Dayne to wake up. Dayne usually wakes up between 8:00 and 8:30am, when he wakes up, we have our morning cuddle and then we get up for the day. Dayne usually plays or watches some TV, depending on how tired he is and I get his breakfast ready and make some coffee. I serve Dayne his breakfast and tidy the kitchen and put in a load of laundry if there is any.
Once those few little morning things are done, I will sit down and check my email, post here, read blog, etc. while my show plays in the background.
At around 10am if Dayne needs a bath, he will have his bath, if he doesn't we usually play a game (club penguin is the game he loves right now) Then I will throw the laundry in the dryer, get myself ready and make lunch. What we have for lunch depends on a few long we played (how much time I have) what Dayne feels like eating, etc. We'll sit down and eat and then I we'll pick out Dayne's school clothes, get him all ready for school and head out.
The walk to school is about 20 minutes, so we chat and race all the way to school or practice counting, alphabet, etc. When Dayne goes into the school he will stand at the window and blow me kisses (which he calls kiss blows) and wave until his teacher tells him to hurry up and get his indoor shoes on. Once he's out of sight, I walk back home.
Once I'm home I do a number of different things. I'll do more laundry if it needs to be done, do the daily cleaning, sometimes I'll just hang out and watch TV or go on the internet (which I check on and off throughout the day). The chores or relaxing stops just under 2 hours after I get home when I have to leave to go pick up Dayne.
On our walk home from school Dayne and I chat about his day, who he played with, what he learned, etc. We practice his Korean numbers and phrases at that time also. Once we get home, Dayne has a snack and we play or color in one of his learning books. If I still have cleaning to get done (or if I WANT to do more cleaning lol) I will do that and Dayne will have some time to play or watch a show.
Then it's time to make supper. Steve's work schedule causes supper to be at all different times, sometimes he doesn't get home until very late. If he's home anywhere up until 7pm, we wait and eat with him, if it's later than that we will usually eat on our own. After supper, if Steve isn't home, Dayne will usually ask to play on the computer, so we'll play one of three games at that time (Club Penguin, Poptropica, or Webkinz) until it's time for Dayne to do his bedtime routine, if he isn't allowed to play on the computer that night, or doesn't want to, we'll play any number of other quiet things (last night was playdoh). If Steve is home, they usually play.
Before bed, Dayne has a small snack and then he brushes his teeth, gets his pajama's on and we cuddle until he falls asleep. After Dayne goes to bed is always my relax time. If Steve is at home, we will visit, watch a show, talk about our day. If he's not home I will usually watch some TV, while I surf around the internet until it's time for me to go to bed.
As you can see, my days are all pretty laid back and boring, but it's what I need right easy routine.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

April 27th, 2010 - No Heart Beat

It was six months ago today that we went to the hospital. Six months ago today that they told us that the baby no longer had a heart beat. Six months ago today that they said "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do."
It was six months ago today that my life changed forever, my world ended and I was pushed, unwillingly, into this new world. A dark and desolate world. Six months ago today my world changed from future plans to funeral plans, from hope and excitement to devastation and pain. Six months ago today my world became an unfamiliar world, where arrangements had to made, decisons had to be explained, where a new reality was shoved in my face.
Six months ago today, my reality became every mother's worst nightmare. Six months ago today feels like yesterday.

Question Twenty Four

Day 24 - where you live

Well, I live in Calgary. Calgary is the place where I was born and where I have lived my entire life (safe for the two times I decided I would move somewhere else, but each time only lasted a month or two) I don't think I could ever seriously live somewhere else. It was always that my birth son was here, and while I could travel to see him, I always felt like I should stay close by so that he knows I'm around if he ever has any questions for me.
Now, I have another reason to never move. This is where Alexandra is buried. I visit her at least once a week, I couldn't possibly move out of the city.
And well, I do love my city. Calgary is special because we have the Calgary Stampede, which is, of course, the greatest outdoor show on earth. Calgary is special because we have the Calgary Flames! *GO FLAMES GO!* We have the Calgary Tower, Heritage Park, the Telus Science Center. We have beautiful parks, malls, houses and buildings.
I just love it here, I don't think you could pay me to leave.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Question Twenty Three

Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh

When I read this the answer jumped right out. Not too long ago a dear friend of mine introduced me to these youtube videos that her son loves. I watched this one first and laughed. It's so ridiculous. I sat down and watched a bunch more and they are equally funny in that most ridiculous kind of way.

And here he is: The Annoying Orange:

Monday, October 25, 2010

Question Twenty Two

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss

Wow, this is a tough question for me. There have been so many websites and blogs that have helped me. Reading the blogs of other women have made me feel like I wasn't completely alone in this grief, which is both helpful and incredibly sad. If I'm completely honest with myself though, the most meaningful website for me, has been the Treasure Bean website.
The reason I am choosing this site is because I was completely unaware of any special sites for families that had lost a child. I was on my parenting website (which certainly has been meaningful also) and a woman talked about her treasure bean and how pretty it was. I wondered what this treasure bean site was all about and I went there and looked at all the pebbles and I cried. I was so sad for all those moms, and for myself. My loss was still so fresh and it was bittersweet to see that I was not alone. I looked through each and every pebble picture and thought about each and every one of those little angels and then I requested a pebble for my Alexandra.
That was my first Alexandra name picture and when I got it I can't even describe how much joy and peace it brought me. Someone had taken the time to paint this pebble for me and to take these beautiful pictures, and no doubt she had thought about Alexandra while she did this. It meant more than I ever thought it could. And a few months later, I bought my treasure bean, and it is now home with us, I carry it with me everywhere I go and take pictures with it, because whether we see her or not, Alexandra is there with us.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Question Twenty & Twenty One

Yesterday got more busy than I had expected and somehow I forgot to post this question, so I'm posting it along with today's question and an apology...I'm so sorry that I missed this one yesterday!!

Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.

My hobby...I guess it's writing. I had actually not done much writing, or some time, before we lost Alexandra. Life gets hectic and in the way and it's easy to brush aside those little things that you do just for you. So, since I lost Alexandra, taking those few minutes for myself has been renewed. I write so much more than I had in years. Alexandra inspires me to do more good, with my words and with my life.
I do have another hobby actually...If I was to ask Steve right now, "What's my hobby?" he would answer, "Shopping" lol And he's right, I do love to shop. And I still do shop, probably just as much as I always have, when I have the time and the money (and I especially like to shop online). My shopping habits actually HAVE changed since my loss. Besides the obvious things for Alexandra and her grave, I have also been setting aside money to purchase things that I can sell to raise money for pregnancy and infant loss. And my personal shopping has changed as well. I have added buying a lot of little things for Alexandra's grave and memorial items for her.
And today's question:
Day 21 - a recipe
Well, I chose a Canadian dessert recipe, for a few reasons. The first (and most obvious) reason, is that I'm Canadian! :-) The second reason is that I used to make this all the time and people seem to love it. Now, I have a pretty crazy sweet tooth, which is probably why I enjoyed this...But you can't eat too much at a time, or you will get a tummy ache!
Sucre a la creme

1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup heavy cream


1.In a large microwave-safe bowl, stir together the white sugar, brown sugar and cream. Cook at full power for 10 minutes, stirring twice. Let stand for 5 minutes.
2.Use an electric mixer on low speed to beat the mixture for 4 minutes. Pour into a buttered 8 inch square glass baking dish. Refrigerate for 1 hour or until firm. Cut into squares when set.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Question Nineteen

Day 19 - a talent of yours

Hmmmm....Well, I would consider writing a talent. I have always loved to write and have had some things published when I was younger. I used to write poems a lot, it was the best way to express my emotions. Now, though I don't write much poetry anymore, I still write and I still find it to be a great release...and a great escape.
One day I plan to write a book. I always wanted to write about my life, but now I think I want to write about my children. Maybe my experiences can help someone else.
I'm going to share a poem that I wrote about 9 years's not about loss, but it's one that I have always felt was powerful...for me anyway.

Alcoholics Anonymous
It’s pitiful really, thinking about his life, drowning it…
Leaving his problems in the bottom of a pint glass,
waiting for something,
the world to end,
a lottery win,
When nothing happens, he still drinks.
The sad picture of ruins,
society’s leftovers,
broken and lonely.
Life moves on around him and he wonders,
will they notice when I’m gone?
Do they notice me here now?
The only one left in an empty bar,
one more beer won’t hurt.
He has nothing to get up in the morning for anyway.
Later, he will stagger home,
alone again, he’ll polish off whatever alcohol he’s got there.
One more shot won’t hurt,
he has no one to care if he can’t walk anyway.
But, for every drunk in a bar,
left behind somewhere, is a mother, a sister, a daughter, a family.
A life forgotten in a cocktail,
memories in an empty shot glass,
no one ever ruins only themselves.
Melissa Foy

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Question Eighteen

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.

Well, Steve and I aren't married. Neither of us has ever been married, but be do plan on getting married. Steve proposed to me the year that I got pregnant with Alexandra. Once we found out I was pregnant, the conversation about when we set a date stopped. I wanted to wait until after I had the baby, wait and see how the weight came off, wait until Alexandra could be our flower girl and Dayne our ring bearer.
Talk about when the date will be set again has started a little bit, just batting around possibilities, but nothing set in stone. I have spoken about Banff before and how much I loved it and how Steve proposed there. That is also where we planned to get married. Banff Springs Hotel. People tell us that we're crazy, who would spend that much money on one day, but it's my dream. Steve and I, together forever officially, in the place where so much magic has happened for us.
I have since spoken to Steve about getting married in Vegas next May and having the reception at Banff Springs Hotel. Since we lost Alexandra the place where we get married became less important to me, I just want to get married. I still do want SOMETHING in Banff though.
I have already chosen so much for my wedding. I want the guest favors to be Bernard Callebaut chocolates. They use little triangle boxes of chocolates to make cakes, and I wanted them as both the guest favors and the center pieces. Our colors would be mauve and grey (more silver, but don't tell Steve he has to wear something silver, he will refuse! lol) The main flowers would be lilacs, the bright purple ones. The bouquet's would be made with fresh lilacs...I have yet to pick any other flower.
My dress would be big and poofy and beautiful. Possibly a light purple or with light purple accents, possibly not...the style is more important than the color...It would be a princess dress. My brides maids and maid of honor would all wear purple dresses with silver accents.
All I need is for it to all be pulled together to look beautiful and elegant.
Of course, if we get married in Las Vegas, it will not all work out that way. There will probably be no wedding party, and many of the little details I had planned wouldn't happen, but much of what I would like can still happen at the reception, so I guess we will see what the future holds...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Last night or early this morning a little newborn baby boy was found in a dumpster. Umbilical cord still attached.
This kind of thing has always really bothered me, abusing and mistreating the innocent, it has always made me sick to my stomach. Now however, it's even worse. The thoughts that go through my head. And I will say it, the FIRST thought that goes through my head is "Why did THAT woman get to have her baby?" WHY? It's not fair that she got to have her baby and I didn't, I LOVE my baby, I WANTED my baby, I never would have mistreated or hurt my baby. WHY!? Why didn't I get MY baby?
It's part of the It's just not fair section that has cropped up in my brain. That section came with a horrible guilt section also, because I feel BAD that that is the first thing that comes into my head. I would never wish something bad on anyone else. I would never wish this pain on anybody else, and that's not what I am thinking, like I wish that that baby hadn't made it so mine could, that's not it. But it still seems so unfair.
The second thing that goes through my mind is...give that baby to me! Don't you know that I WANTED a baby? That I love and planned for a baby? Don't you know that my arms and my heart were robbed of that baby? Give the baby to me, I'll take it, and I will love that little baby with all of my heart.
It's just so hard to see this. Don't people know how lucky they are? To just leave a little baby all alone, don't they realize what so many other families would do for a baby? Don't these people THINK about the pain that that poor baby is suffering, wondering where his mommy is?
What is wrong with these people?? 
I feel like my whole emotional self unravelled when I heard about this story.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Question Seventeen

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.

This is easy. When I was around 15 or 16 I was at the mall with my mom. She was at an appointment and while I waited for her I visited an art store. After roaming around looking aimlessly, I found myself looking through a stack of pictures. The young man that worked at the store (who probably wasn't much older than I was) came over and asked how I liked all the Dali paintings. I didn't know who had painted these things, but I knew that I loved them.
The one that I was drawn to, that moved me was Swans Relfecting Elephants. It was slightly dark, and I couldn't stop staring at the swans, as their reflection turned to elephants, it spoke to me of how things aren't always as they appear. Sometimes there is so much more. And there was more to the painting than just that, it was amazing to me, and I didn't really know why.
Steve has bought me three Salvador Dali paintings, even though he hates them. There is something so...I don't really know how to describe it, but the pictures are so much to take in and I just love looking at them. Art you can get lost in, it's amazing. Though some of his stuff is a little to dark for me, I enjoy looking at most of it.

I Know Natalie

A friend of mine recently told me about a little girl named Natalie. Natalie was a very special little girl, who can teach us all a thing or two about strength. Sadly, little Natalie left her family on October 16th. She was 6 months old and passed away peacefully, but unexpectedly, in her Mommy's arms.
I'm hoping today that those of you that read my blog will offer prayers and good thoughts to this family, in their most difficult time. I know that they have been in my thoughts a lot these last days and I hope that they are able to find some peace.
I have never met this family, but because of their friends and because of their story, I know Natalie, and if you would like to know Natalie too, or if you would like to show this family some support, please visit them and read about Natalie's Story. You can also check out the I Know Natalie Blog.
Maybe we can bring this family just a little bit of comfort.

Question Sixteen

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).

I never used to be one to cry, but there came a time in my life when the tears came easily and the tears came often...and it was before my loss. I do hate to cry though. There are quite a few songs that make me cry actually, Concrete Angel, by Martina McBride, Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle, Lightening Crashes by Live (LOVE Live) But for this post, I chose Last Kiss, which was originally sang by Wayne Cochran.
My mom used to sing this song to me, so before I had ever heard the actual song, I knew all the words and the song evoked such strong emotions in me. The first time I heard it, I heard the Pearl Jam version and I fell in love with it. I have heard the original version as well, but I will be posting the Pearl Jam version here because I think they did the most amazing job on this song.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Question Fifteen

Day 15 - what you like about your house.

What do I like about my house...Well, I like that it's our home, and it feels like it. I LOVE the bathroom, it has two sinks and two mirrors, but not side by side, one is on the other side of the bathroom, at the end up the bath tum, the bathroom is shaped almost like an upside down L, and it's wonderful. I love that my bedroom has two closets, that there's room for Steve's pool table in the basement, that there's lots of room in general, especially in the living room. I love that there's a big bedroom in the basement for when Dayne is older, to have friends hang out, maybe it will even be his bedroom one day.
I fell in love with this house when we first looked at it. It's not the newest house or the most fancy, but it's just perfect for our family.
I don't have any pictures of our house, and I don't have time to take any, but I have one that I took a while ago...while I was pregnant with Alexandra. It's of my dining room, where I'm often posting from. It looks pretty much the same now, only the toys are gone, we organized Dayne's room so everything would fit in it. The dining room is one of my favorite places in the house, there are a lot of great memories there, us eating together as a family and Dayne and I working on his letters (that wasn't the best memory, he's a stubborn guy) and of course, most recently, Dayne's birthday party, on Alexandra's 4 month birthday.
That is also exactly where I sat when I ate pizza for breakfast on April 27th, 2010. Where I started to wonder why Alexandra wasn't moving, where I was sitting when I posted on my parenting website asking "How can I wake my baby up?" Where the fear first started to set in. Like yesterday, I remember that day, and I doubt I will ever forget.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Question Fourteen

Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Well, I have read a few non fiction books since my loss, but the one that popped into my head when I read this question was a book that was given to me by my Aunt Alison (see the the trend here? lol) It was a Christmas gift and she had explained that this was one of her favorite books and she thought I would like it.
Well, life got in the way, and the book got set aside and I forgot about it for a while. Every now and then I would think "I MUST read that book" but I did not. After we lost Alexandra I was talking to my Aunt on the phone and she asked me if I read the book, and I told her that I had not read it yet. She suggested that I read it and that it might be helpful to this time in my life. And it has been.
The book is called Mutant Message From Down Under and it's written by Marlo Morgan. I have not finished the book yet, I actually have 3 books on the go right now, but I just love sitting down and really getting into that book. I'm kind of cheating with this one because, while this book was originally categorized as a non-fiction book, it was later re-categorized as fiction. There is much drama surrounding the book and it's author's possible intentions. Whether the story is really true or not, it holds a great message, and that message is all the non fiction I need from this book. 
A good quote from the book:
“Forget the pain. Learn to endure. Focus your attention elsewhere.”

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Question Thirteen

Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss

This question is easy for me, but probably not a typical answer. I'm big on reading, so, while packing my bag to go deliver my sleeping daughter, I grabbed a book. Later I thought, how silly, why would I read? But once you have cried so much that your head throbs and your eyes are all swollen, and you're sure you have no tears left, you need something to I read that book. I read several chapters at the hospital and that book kept me sane, by giving me something to dive into that first week. When I had nothing to do, and couldn't sleep, I would read.
The book is called Heart-Shaped Box and it was written by Joe Hill. It is weird that I got lost in a book about the dead and ghosts when dealing with the most difficult kind of death to deal with, but losing myself in a book that was totally fake, it was just what I needed.

My Uncle Pat and Aunt Alison are two of my favorite people in this world. My Uncle Pat and I talk a lot about different books and authors and every now and then a box will arrive in the mail with some books in it, and it was one of those times that this book showed up at my house. So, I credit my Uncle Pat and my Aunt Alison for giving me the gift of a mindless escape during the hardest time of my life.
(And you know you guys are reading this! - I love you both so much!)

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15th, 2010

Right at 7pm Dayne and I sat at the dining room table, candles in hand. I started by lighting a candle we had picked just for Alexandra. A tall, but very thin, white candle, with a little crystal holder.

After that we lit one candle after another until we had 6 candles lit (not including Alexandra's) I thought about how many candles it would take to light one candle for every baby lost, and I wished that no candles needed to be lit, that this day didn't even need to exist, that none of our babies were lost.

We left all of the candles to burn inside for an hour, while we watched and talked and then we put the 6 candles on a plate and brought them outside.

They all melted together, it was kind of neat.
We left the candles to burn until they burnt out.

We even took a picture with Alexandra's treasure bean.

I hope that everyone else had a peaceful night, and had some time to think of all the babies that were lost too soon.

October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is an important day. It's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I would like to invite everyone that reads this to participate in the wave of light. It's easy to really don't have to do anything at all! Just light a candle or turn on your porch light from 7pm - 9pm tonight.
As we light our candles this evening, we will be thinking of Alexandra and all of her beautiful angel friends.

Question Twelve

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

Oh geez. This is a funny question because the list is SOOOOO long! lol I guess the most obvious one is the order in which I do things...Everything has an order! I have an order of how things go when I wake up in the morning, when I get out of bed, what I do, etc. I have an order in which things are are done when showering, making meals, cleaning, getting ready for bed, looking on the internet, taking care of the dog, etc. Most people would say this is just a routine, but my order is a little more obsessive than that. And I'm ok with that, it works out fairly well for me.
I should add that I used to have a lot more things that I had OCD type issues with, but as I get older, I get a little bit more laid back.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Question Eleven

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Well, I would like to apologize that so many of my pictures include Dayne. I always feel like it might be hurtful to people to see pictures of a child considering the point of this blog. At the same time, Dayne is such a huge part of my life, I feel like it wouldn't be honest for me to not talk about him or include him.
So, the most recent picture of me is of Dayne and I on his first day of school. I avoid camera's these days, so there's not really much to choose from.
This picture makes me feel sad. It was so hard for me to let him go. He was my brave little guy though and was excited to go to school.
My life should have been so different... That picture should have included Alexandra. I should have dropped him off that day and headed out with my daughter in tow. I should have been waiting there to pick Dayne up from school every day with his baby sister. There is a mom there that has a daughter the same age that Alexandra would be. I see her there, waiting for her son to come out of school, holding her daughter, and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.
Dayne being in school in general is hard though, because of all the plans I had made and all the hope I had for how great it would be. And while it's still great that my little guy is in school and he loves it, there is something monumental missing.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Question Ten

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

I had to dig deep into my photobucket account for this picture. It was taken 12 or 13 years ago on Halloween (so it's fitting to this month) I was 16 or 17 years old in this picture, we were on our way to a bush party. I'm on the right side with the curly hair and my best friend Jenny is on the left. I am still friends with Jenny and she has been a rock for me, whenever I need her, throughout my loss.
This picture makes me feel...Well, it makes me laugh, actually. I was so angry back then, and now I think "Why?" I mean, I had many reasons to be an angry teen, but NOW, they all seem so trivial. If I knew then what I know now, my life would have been so much different.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Question Nine

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

I have taken a lot of pictures since my loss, so as usual, choosing one is hard. I don't really have a reason for picking the one I picked. The memory attached to it is a good one though and I like the creepy birds lol We took this picture at the Calgary Stampede. Dayne hadn't been to it since the year before he turned one and he has never been with Steve, so we decided to go there for a family day. I remember not really wanting to go, but once we were there, it was nice to see Dayne so happy. And I had funnel cake for the first time, it was so, so tasty.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Question Eight

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

I debated about using a belly picture or a picture of one of the outfits we have for Alexandra. They all still sit in her dresser, in her bedroom, with all of her stuff there, even the box from her stroller. Steve put the stroller together just days before we lost Alexandra.
The picture I chose stirs up so much sadness in me though, that I had to use it. It was right around Easter (just after actually), I was hating the way I looked, I hurt all the time, I wasn't sleeping, my hair looked awful, I was as big as a house...but I was so excited. This was the last picture taken of Steve and I while I was pregnant. Looking at it, I feel sadness and I feel anger, anger about how stupidly naive I was. So happy, not a care, I was finally feeling like everything was perfect. I could not have been more wrong. I can remember that day, as if it was yesterday, I remember the smells and sounds, the feelings of that time. I remember always holding my belly the way I am in that picture. I remember how much Alexandra would move around. At night I would have Steve rest his hand on my belly and he would get this look on his face, of shock and awe at how she was flipping around in there...It seems almost prophetic now, that all of that flipping around would be what took her from us.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Alexandra's Shop

I don't know if anyone ever looks at that right side where all my pictures are, but if you do, you may have noticed that there is a new addition. It's a link with some pictures for a Zazzle Store. I have designed the items in the store and am selling them. As some of you may know, you can make a small profit off of these items. The money raised from any items sold will go directly to different pregnancy and infant loss programs in my city, including, when the time comes, a charity that we are starting to help families pay for funeral costs and headstones for their children.
I don't want to push anyone to buy anything, but I wanted to point it out and explain what it's doing there.

Question Seven

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

This is a hard one because I LOVE to take pictures, I generally have my camera in my purse. I looked through my pictures and it was SO hard to pick just one. There are many. And it's hard to choose which time I should pick from. Do I choose an Alexandra picture, a bittersweet moment that makes me feel that new kind of happy that I imagine is how it will be for me now, or do I choose a moment from before, when my happiness was totally different?
I decided to go with a picture in the middle. This picture was taken after we lost Alexandra, but it was a day when we were just playing. It was a happy moment with Dayne and the dog (Kaney) and I. I just love it because it's Dayne and his bestest best friend in the whole wide world.

I want to post a picture of Kaney's face also because I have posted pictures of my family and never of my dog, who is a huge (literally and figuratively lol) part of my family also.

He's going grey now, but his face used to be all black, eventually I'll probably post some more pictures of our big baby, but this is a recent one.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Question Six

Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.

Wow, this one is hard for me! But, here they are, in no particular order...

1. A big Dayne Hug
2. Visiting Alexandra
3. A big Steve Hug
4. Petting my dog
5. A family cuddle
6. A good book
7. A hot cup of tea
8. Blogging
9. A few quiet minutes to myself
10. A bubble bath
11. A good TV show
12. Reading other blogs
13. Chatting with a friend on the phone
14. Chatting with a friend online :-)
15. The smell of the rain
16. Watching the snow fall
17. A brisk walk
18. Surprise cards or letters in the mail
19. Seeing a hawk
20. A good cry

Friday, October 8, 2010

Question Five

Day 5 - your favorite quote.

My favorite quote used to be "The pain passes, but the beauty remains" It is a Pierre-Auguste Renoir quote. After we lost Alexandra that quote no longer made sense to me. I used to always think that as long as you could grin and bear it, anything painful would eventually stop hurting. I was wrong.

Now, all of my favorite quotes revolve around loss. I have a couple that I love the most, I'll put them here:

"Grief is not a sign of weakness. Nor lack of faith. It is the price of love..."

"A butterfly came floating by, I thought I knew it's face,It landed on my shoulder, and spread its wings of lace, I looked and saw it smiling, as it winked and flew away. I'm sure I heard it whisper, "We'll meet again one day"

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.There is no word for a parent who loses a child.That's how awful the loss is."- Ronald Reagan

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Question Four

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

I read a lot of blogs and I am aware that a lot of loss moms read books about loss, stillbirth, miscarriages, SIDS, etc. I did not do that. I have yet to read one book about loss. I read blogs instead. I also read different religious items. I have a Bible, a Book Of Mormon, a Qur'an. I read about different cultures and what they believe happens when someone dies. Instead of reading about loss, I feel compelled to read about where my daughter may be. What people believe about where she is, how she's doing, if she's around me. I think it's because of my lack of faith that I do this. I have always wished that I could just have the faith that some other people have, to just be able to let go of all the stuff bouncing around in my own head and have faith, but I have yet to find such a faith.
So, while what I have read since my loss has changed, my favorites remain the same.
I have actually had the same favorite book since I was a teenager. The book is called Jonathan Livingston Seagull and it is written by Richard Bach. People always chuckle when I tell them that my favorite book is about a seagull that learns to fly, but it is! The book is about learning to over come anything that stands in your way. I highly recommend this book to everyone! It's a wonderful book.
My favorite quote from the book is:
"If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we've destroyed our own brotherhood! But overcome space, and all we have left is Here. Overcome time, and all we have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don't you think that we might see each other once or twice?"

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Question Three

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you

Being so sick during my pregnancy, there are actually more shows that I CAN'T watch now, than shows that I can. That list includes The Dog Whisperer, Dogtown, Toddlers in Tiara's, and North Of 60.
I prefer to watch shows that make me think a lot less these days. Most of it is reality TV or sitcoms. Oddly, the show that jumps out the most to me when I think of this question is Missing. It's such a dumb show, I mean really bad! I can never figure out if it's the acting that is so bad or the storyline, but it's just...not good! That's what makes it so great to me though, just a silly show...there are still silly things left in this world.

I'm going to add two shows to this post. My daily, pointless, silly show is Missing, but there is a show that I watch whenever I need a laugh. It's on later at night, so if I have a really bad day, it's nice to end it with a laugh and I can record the shows for a middle of the afternoon laugh, if i really need one. That show is called Video On Trial and it's great.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Question Two

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss

I'm not really big on movies. I have seen a few since we lost Alexandra, but none of them were especially special. The one that jumps out at me was one we watched as a family called Shorts. It's about a boy that finds a magic rock that you can make wishes on. There are many short stories about the different and funny things that happen because of this rock and it had Dayne laughing sooooo hard. Dayne told me what he would wish for. It's his usual wish since we lost Alexandra. "Mommy, if I had a magic rock I would wish if I was a super hero so I could fly up to heaven and bring Alexandra home" It reminds me of that saying "If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane. I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again"
It makes me so sad that this has to be Dayne's wish. Why can't his wish be something normal for a 5 year old? At the same time, it makes me unbelievably proud to know that my son wants to include his baby sister in everything.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Question One

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.

I've posted about this before. The day after we found out we had lost Alexandra, on our drive to the hospital, the only thing I remember is a song that played on the radio. I remember the drive just a little bit more clearly now, it's like the fog of shock has lifted and now things are little bit more clear. I still don't recall what we talked about, or anything else that came on the radio, but I now have small memories of holding Steve's hand and thinking about how this could NOT be happening to us, how COULD this be happening to us? WHY was this happening to us? This wasn't fair.
But the song...the song was Hey, Soul Sister by Train. And every time I heard that song I was back in the car, on that terrible and sad day. And I never wanted to listen to it or hear it on the radio, I would leave a place where it played, I would change the station if it came on somewhere.
At Dayne's birthday party that song played. It was August 29th, Alexandra's 4 month birthday, and as I sat there my birth son told me how he loved that song. Drawing my attention to it even more. There was something in that moment, that made that song not so much a horrible memory, but something connecting Alexandra to a moment with her oldest brother. And I didn't know what to say. Up until that point my opinion was "I HATE that song" but in that moment it all changed and I loved the song too.

30 Posts In 30 Days

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It is not recognized my my Province yet, but I plan to change that :-)
I was reading a few other blogs and noticed that people were doing 30 posts in 30 days to recognize this month. I wanted to get behind this idea, I think it's a great one!
The idea started with Angie on Still Life With Circles, she got it by combining a few different ideas from other blogs. If you would like to learn more, please check out her blog :-) I decided to follow along when I noticed that several other blogs that I follow are also doing the 30 posts in 30 days! I think it's a GREAT idea and I think that as many of us as possible should try to jump on board with this.
So, even though I am starting late, I am still going to do the 30 posts in 30 days and I invite everyone else reading this to do so too!

These are the questions:

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

I'm going to start with the first question right today, so I'm not soooo far behind :-)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

One Lovely Blog Award :-)

I am touched that I was nominated for this award by Maggie and Annette! Thank you so much ladies.

Here are the rules for the award:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen

Here are my nominees!

1.The Butterfly Room
2. My Little Baby Jacob
3. lisette-sammisblog
4. Aiden Baby Of Mine
5. Valentina In the Sky
6. Butterflies For Alexandra
7. Dear Baby Cook
8. Still Life With Circles
9. My Life After Loss
10. Joshua Castilloesco

You know, at first I thought it would be hard to come up with 10 blogs, 10 seems like such a big number. But when I opened up my favorites list and began to look, I found it very hard to choose just 10. My new circle is so much bigger than it should be. But I am so grateful that so many women are speaking up and talking about their babies.